[Note for Readers: Read Beige Countdown #1 before you read this. This
is the last issue. Issue #12 is the first issue!]
[Cover: A colorful tornado swallows a number of people dressed in
costumes and trenchcoats into a gigantic book. On the bottom in bold
letters is the text, 'THE COUNTDOWN ENDS HERE!!!!!']
[B E I G E]
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***************[# Z E R O !!]***************
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\_/
Written by Arthur Spitzer (and one sentence by Dave Van Domelen -- can
you guess which one?)
===+++===
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
===+++===
1956 --
On a nearly deserted quiet Net.ropolis street corner, a gang of kids
wearing helicopter beanie caps and coonskin hats were playing a game of
stickball. One of the kids spotted something in the sky.
"Look it's a bird!" The other kids looked up.
"Nah, it's a plane!"
"You're both wrong! It's the Reds! Or Martians!" the kid said as he
pulled a slingshot out of his back pocket and took aim at it.
"No, dum dum!" another kid said whacking the slingshot kid with a comic
book. "That ain't no Martian or Red! Look here!" The kid showed the
rest of the kids the cover on his comic book. It was issue number 57 of
Classic Squad Comics. On the cover was a gigantic golden car that was
flying in the air even as Net.zi batwinged kangaroos tried to bring it down.
"Gosh Golly! You think so?!"
"It has to be! Look! It's got to be! If that ain't the
Big-Flying-Golden-Jalopy.Thingee, I'll eat my hat!" The kid took off
his coonskin hat and grabbed a shaker of salt from one of his pockets.
The rest of the kids gazed in spellbound amazement at the golden object
from the sky that was coming closer and closer. Like a chariot from the
heavens it glowed blinding those that gaped at it with awe and wonder.
It gave a sly wink to the Laws of Physics as it slowly descended to the
ground.
And finally, it touched ground. For a brief second, everything felt
frozen as the golden vehicle did nothing. Nothing at all. And then one
of shining golden doors opened. And out stepped the Golden People.
===+++===
"Wow! It's really them! There's Golden Man and Golden Lord! And
Golden Lass! And Goldy the Golden Mutt!"
Goldy the Golden Mutt barked, "Arf! Arf!" at the mention of his name.
"And there's Mr. Multitask and Comic Swiper Man! And Captain Backdate!
And Kid Presentdaze!" [Kid Presentdaze will be Kid Yesterdaze in the
present -- Golden Age Footnote Girl]
"And don't forget the 4-Color Kid and our newest member Young Elvis Man,
kids!" Golden Man said as he walked up to the group of youngsters.
"Thank you, Thank you very much. You're too kind, Man," Young Elvis Man
said pointing at Golden Man while winking and giving his hips a little
jiggle.
"What about those guys in white sheets over there by the tea tray?!"
questioned the youngsters.
"Umm.. them? Oh, right! Those two are members of the Society of
Wireless Heroes all the way from Great Britian! I believe they're names
are The Blue Bottle and Neddie Thunderbox! They're here for a joint
mission with us because the American Government asked us to let them
join us so they could help us with this special mission! I have no idea
why they're wearing white sheets over their bodies or why there's a tea
tray in the middle of the street!"
"I say, Bloody -- I mean Neddie, that bloke with the shiny gold hair has
blown our undercover operation!"
"I nod my head trying to find profound meaning in Yellow -- I mean Blue
-- I mean Bottle's gibberish. But find none. I steal a few biscuits
from the table. Yellow -- I mean Blue -- I mean Bottle steals a cup of
tea."
"Not, bad. I must say that leaving a sheet over my head while drinking
tea certainly livens me, with almost relief that I can put aside the dry
cleaning anxiety."
"By God, man I say while watching with fascinating interest while Yellow
-- I mean Blue -- I mean Bottle's tea stain takes its highly abstract
shape into that of a famous living royal family member's body part,
Prince Phillips's Nose?"
"Prince Phillips Knows? By God, man how? I know we are both the
illegitimate children of Winston the Bold and Juanita the Maid, but I've
always been the dishonest, secret villainous step-uncle to him he never
had. How could he? Is it ..Too late?"
"Who knows?"
"Who Knows too? By god! This must then be a conspiracy of the most
naughty we were told about!"
"I know."
"Eye knows too? Funny I had an eye named nose once."
"You named your nose Once?"
"Yes, and all the other noses made fun of him. Never trust a female
sheep. By God, man -- if they knows, he knows, she knows, who knows,
ewe knows, the writer knows, the Shadow knows, Anthony Eden knows.."
"You're fibbing.."
"You caught me again, Bloody -- I mean um -- Neddie. All right --
everyone else knows, but Anthony Eden. You know what this means, don't
you?"
"Oh my! Oh my -- you -- you don't mean...?"
"Yes, I'm afraid I do. CRISIS OF THE INFINITY NOSES HAS --BEGUN!!!"
"Oh -- Nobody nose the trouble eye have seen, nobody nose it better.."
"Doesn't organ music get you right there, I say placing dramatically my
fist onto my heart until the sheer joy knocks my wind!"
"And no, before you ask," Golden Man said interrupting the two sheeted
men, "I have no idea why the government is forcing us to work with these
people either..."
"Wow! Could I get you to sign my comic?! It would be swell! My name
is Mookie!"
"Well, I guess there's no harm in doing that, Mookie!" Golden Man took
the comic and flipped through its contents. Golden Man chuckled while
he skimmed through the book. "Here! Take a look at this!" he said
tossing it to the other members of the Classic Squad.
Mr. Multi-Task laughed while he read the comic, lit his pipe, made a
martini for himself, played MailTrek, and handed it back to Golden Man.
"Those crazy writers! Net.zi Batwinged Kangaroos!? What will they
think up next!?"
Golden Man nodded in agreement as he pressed his finger against the
paper scribing in gold the text, 'Keep America Strong, Mookie! Best
Wishes from Golden Man and the Classic Squad!' and handed the comic back
to the kid.
"Now, kids... We've been getting reports of strange happenings from
this area!" Golden Man said with a slightly more serious voice. "Have
you seen any adults around here lately who've been acting in a
suspicious manner!?"
"Now that you mention it mister, all this morning spooky guys in
trenchcoats have been popping up and going into the same house! They
kind of looked like high-class hobos! Does that help!?"
"Which house did they go into?!"
"That one! Over there!" The kids pointed to a rather nightmarish
looking dwelling.
"Okay, thanks kids! I think it would be best if you run along now
though! There might be acts of violence that wouldn't be suitable for
impressionable youngsters such as yourselves!
"Aww, geeze! We never get to have any fun!" said little Mookie with
regret in his eyes. "Come on fellas! Let's go hit a malt shop!" And
with that the kids left leaving the street empty except for the
Superheroes and the Golden Jalopy.
"Okay," Captain Backdate said, "With the kids gone I can apprise you of
the emergency that has brought us all together! We've gotten word that
a major magic war is about to begin in Net.ropolis! Apparently,
sometime last month a book was smuggled into Net.ropolis! A magic book!
A magic book so gosh darn powerful that it could warp all reality to
the whims of whoever controls this book! Everyone wants this book!
Even countries -- especially Russia! And from what I've been told a
number of magically inclined people have been pouring into Net.ropolis!
And not just magical supervillains that we've fought like the Schwa
Khan, Baron Umlaut [Father of the Baron Umlaut that appeared in
Constellation -- Golden Age Footnote Girl], and Lord Prolixdraft -- but
many other mysterious trenchcoated occult types! A lot of whom seem to
have British accents! Which I suppose is why the British Government
sent these two to help us!" he said pointing towards the two sheeted men.
"Oh, look Bloody -- I mean -- hmm --- oh yeah -- Neddie! That strange
man is pointing at us! We should wave at him!"
"I am waving, Yellow -- I mean Blue -- I mean Christ -- umm I mean --
Bottle, I say while waving my hand."
"And you think it's in there, the Magic Book!?" said Kid Presentdaze
pointing to the Spooky Building.
"It has to be!" Comic Swiper Man said. "I can feel it in there!"
"There's something strange about the perspective of the building and the
color -- I can't -- Oh god! I've got a funny feeling in my mind!"
4-Color Kid said as he winced in pain.
"I don't think we should go in there, Golden Man!" said Golden Lass in a
distressed tone. "I'm getting a feeling too! My woman's intuition is
going crazy! Something very bad is in there!"
Golden Man chuckled to himself. "Women's intuition! Now you're just
being silly!"
Golden Lass grabbed Golden Man by the shoulder. "Please, Golden Man!
If we go in there, something horrible is going to happen! Something
that will end the Classic Squad! I feel it strongly! Please listen to
me! If we go in there this will be the last adventure of the Classic
Squad!"
"We have to go in there, Golden Lass! We need to stop whatever is
happening there! We need to get that Book so it can be safe from the
Hands of Evil!"
"That of course begs the question about whose hands will get the Book
once we have it!" mused Golden Lord.
"Why, we'll give the book to our government once we have it!" Golden Man
responded.
"Really!? And why should we do that -- when we could use it for ourselves!"
"I'm not sure I know what you're getting at, Golden Lord! Why would we
want to use this book!?"
"To change things! Can't you see what's happening to this world, Golden
Man?! The Golden Age is ending! We're ending! The world is becoming
more morally ambiguous! Boy Lad, Boy Lad jr., and Commander Comics have
gone missing! [Commander Comics who will be called Old Comics Man in the
present day has joined the secret group called the Challengers of the
Abominable -- Golden Age Footnote Girl] Look at him!" Golden Lord said
pointing towards Young Elvis Man who was strumming on his guitar. "Him!
With his greasy hair! And jiggling his hips to that Negro Music! Is
that what we want!? Is this why we fought Hitler and the Japs!? So his
generation could destroy everything that has made America great!?"
"Hey now, Man -- Don't be cruel, uhuuh, And uh don't uhuuh you step on
my Blue Sued Shoes, uhuuhuh!" Young Elvis Man gave his hips another jiggle.
"We can stop this! We can bring everything back to the way it should be
-- like it was back in the 40s! We just need to use the book and the
Golden Age will never end!"
"Golden Lord, I'm not sure what to say!" Golden Man replied, "This plan
of yours sounds like it goes against everything the Classic Squad stands
for! Times change, we have to accept that! A new generation of heroes
will take our place! And maybe they'll talk funny and dress in strange
clothes like Young Elvis Man, but that's they way things go! We cannot
halt time! And I believe in my heart of hearts that the future will
only get better and better! When we get that book we're giving it to
the government! They'll know how to handle it! This will be the end of
this discussion!"
"Arf! Arf!" barked Goldy the Golden Mutt.
"Well said, Goldy," laughed Golden Man.
"We'll see about that, Golden Man," Golden Lord said in a hushed tone to
himself. "We'll see."
Suddenly the 4-Color Kid screamed. "There! Can you see it!? It's a
Tower! Oh, lord, it's huge! It's beyond everything! It's cracking the
sky! Everything's bleeding Beige! Beige is blotting out everything!
Everything! We're too late! We're too late!"
"4-Color Kid!? You're seeing things! There's nothing there -- no
tower! Comic Swiper Man, what's wrong with the 4-Color Kid!?"
"I'm afraid that the madness in the building is starting to leak out of
it! We've got to go in there and put a stop to it before everyone in
the world becomes Loony Tunes like 4-Color Kid!"
"Young Elvis Man!" Golden Man said tossing the
Big-Flying-Golden-Jalopy.Thingee's keys to Young Elvis Man, "You've got
to get 4-Color Kid to a hospital! And the rest of us are going in there!"
"Hmm, what do you think, Bottle -- I mean Yellow -- I mean -- oh Christ
-- I was right the first time -- umm Bottle?! Should we go in there too?"
"Yes, Yellow Bottle -- oh wait -- that's me -- who are you -- oh yes --
Bloody -- I mean -- Neddie! I can sense it! The Jolly Mixture of all
Jolly Mixtures is in there! And once we get it we'll live like kings,
umm -- well, you know what your name is! Or at least we'll live like
people who pretend to be kings, but aren't really kings!"
"Ah, you know what your name is too! Always the dreamer, I say while
secretly resenting you know what your name is too for always being the
dreamer as I step into the building first"
"And you, you know what your name is, always the person who steps into
buildings before I can step into buildings, I say with burning jealousy
over umm -- you know what your name is's ability to walk into buildings
before I walk into them!"
And when the last hero entered the strange spooky building, Young Elvis
Man and the 4-Color Kid were left all alone.
"Hey, there 4-Color," said Young Elvis Man grabbing 4-Color Kid by the
arm, "Let's get you out of this crazy joint! You're all shook up -- and
I know how that is! Man, it was like, Man, this time I was popping
prescription pain killers while eating fried peanut butter and banana
sandwiches! You ever had one of those -- it's crazy, Man! Like having
a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich! Crazy! And so I was doing
that and along comes this..." But before Young Elvis Man could finish
his amusing anecdote, the 4-Color tore himself free from Young Elvis
Man's grip.
"Don't you people see!? They're coming! They're coming! Nothing can
stop them! Nothing! They are the death of everything! Everything! Oh
lord! They're almost through! They're almost here! They're..."
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
===+++===
'The Book of Deus ex Machinas'
===+++===
2008 --
The taxi cab driver looked into his mirror at who was entering his cab.
"Hey. Another trenchcoated guy, huh? You're like the fifth one today!"
"Drive me to Net.ropolis," said the Trenchcoated Man.
"Hey, that's where the rest of them wanted me to drive them to, too!
What's happening there? Some type of trenchcoat convention?"
The trenchcoated man didn't answer. He took out a pack of cigarettes
and lit one.
"Hey! No smoking -- Net.ropolis is a smoking free zone, fella!"
The trenchcoated man didn't put out his cigarette. He just glared at
cab driver and said, "Drive. Don't talk to me. Drive."
The cab driver thought about stopping the cab and throwing the bum out,
but after looking at the man's face in the mirror he decided to just
shut up and drive the cab. A chill ran up his spine. Damn, these
trenchcoated men and their breaking of smoking rules!
===+++===
2007 --
"Oh August One! I need to speak with you about..." Occultism Kid
started to say.
"Silence! I need to concentrate -- to focus all of my energy on this
one important..." The August One paused. For a brief second there was
doubt in his eyes. Had he chosen the right one? Perhaps, he had made a
wrong decision. Maybe he should choose another. One that was more
worthy of the task at hand. No. No time for second guessing. This is
the one. The one that will win. The one that will redeem everything!
And then with determination in his eyes he gave a grunt. And took a
deep breath. And moved his arms upwards -- for one incredible swing --
of the golf club. The golf club smacked the ball, which sped right into
a sand pit.
{[Your ball is now ours, August One! Can you hear it whimpering for
mercy, August One?! Can you?! We shall torture it! Brand it with the
Mark of the Seventh Sun of Gulkjababnokto! Make it our slave! Yes! It
shall be ours -- for all -- *Eternity*! Muhahahhahhahah!!!!]} cackled
the very animated sand pit.
"Damn. Demon Sand Pit. Gonna need my Nine Iron of Exorcism for this
shot. Occultism Kid?"
"Umm, right." Occultism Kid fished out the club from the golf bag and
handed it to his teacher. "Look. I need to talk with you about the
Book of Deus ex Machinas."
The August One took his attention off the ball for a moment and looked
at Occultism Kid. "The Book? What about it?"
"Whatever you know about it. And if possible where it is right now."
"Where it is? It's gone. It was destroyed. Back in the 1950s."
"I have reason to believe otherwise. Kid Kirby said that I had to find
the book if we were to defeat Dekay and Diskolor."
"Yes. It would probably be very helpful in that. It's a very powerful
book. Very dangerous."
"Did you ever see it?"
"Yes. One time. You see -- I was there. I watched it. I watched them
destroy it. I watched it burn into nothingness. An eternity of
knowledge gone in a few paltry seconds." The August One snapped his
fingers.
===+++===
It was Nineteen Fifty -- Umm Six I believe. Back when I was this
World's Occultism Kid. I had been chasing this necromancer named Lord
Prolixdraft all across the planet and had this tip I got in Rome that
pointed me to Net.ropolis.
Of course little did I know that every other single sorcerer,
trenchcoater, occult type, immortal, god, superhero, and demon were also
headed right to the same place.
This spooky little house.
It was a place where reason and sense didn't exist. Beyond Time and
Space. A place of living dreams and nightmares. Of Temptation and
Despair. Of Never Ending Madness. A Nexus to everything and everywhere.
And I walked in there knowing nothing of its horrors.
===+++===
1956 --
The Occultism Kid floated in a void of ever changing colors. The only
tangible objects were paintings that were floating around him. When he
had first entered here, the place looked like an ordinary hallway -- but
as soon as he had shut the door the place changed to some surrealist
nightmare and the door he had come from had vanished. He had to find
someway out of this place. And that's when he spotted another door.
Quickly, he grabbed the doorknob and yanked it open and threw himself
into the room.
What was behind the door though surprised the Master of that is Arcane.
It looked like a bar, or a wine cellar? Or both? And behind the bar
stood a man in a black trenchcoat who had a crown of grapes on his head
who poured himself a glass of wine and then put the glass of wine on the
bar and proceeded to swig from the wine bottle itself instead.
Underneath the trenchcoat the man appeared to be wearing a toga. "Care
for a glass?" he said pointing to the glass of win. "August?"
"Umm -- no. I mean -- wait -- How do you know my name? Have we met...?"
The grape crowned man smiled. "Names -- names -- names. They're such
boring things. Now wine -- there's something. Are you sure you're not
thirsty? You look like someone who could use a drink?" The man offered
the wine glass again.
"No. I've got more important things to do! I need to find..."
Occultism Kid paused. What was he going to say? Everything was so
disorienting here. Think. Oh, right. "Prolixdraft. Lord Prolixdraft!
I need to find him. Is he here?"
"That boring necromancer?" The grape crowned man yawned. "Oh probably.
They're all here. Searching for something that shouldn't be found.
Sure you don't want a drink? I've got every kind of wine here. Wines
that could make all your dreams come true if you want."
"You're not human, are you? You're filled with great power. Who are
you? What are you? Some kind of a demon?"
The grape crowned man bellowed a laugh. "Demon? Well, some would think
so. I prefer to think of myself as a Professional Drinker though. The
Professional Drinker."
"No. Not a demon. You're something -- oh lord. Oh God. You -- you're
a...?"
"A God. Yes. That would be me."
"Dionysus? Greek God of Wine?"
"I prefer to go by my Roman name these days," Bacchus said taking
another swig from the bottle. "So. Are you NTB?"
"The NTB?"
"Oh, you know. The Trenchcoat."
"The Trenchcoat. Oh. Are you talking about the Net.Trenchcoat Brigade?
No, I'm not one those people. I've heard of them, but..."
"Of course the number one sign that someone is a member of the NTB is
that they deny being a member of NTB."
"Are you a member?"
"Of course not," laughed Bacchus as he took another swig from the
bottle. "Now. Let's talk about this wine glass right here. Sure you
don't want it?"
"No. I really need to be going. I need to stop whatever is happening
out there. What is happening out there?"
Before the God of Wine could speak, the door to the room they were in
opened again. A man made of gold briefly looked in at them. "My eyes!
My eyes? Where are they? Golden Lass -- Mr. Multitask! Oh, god.
They're gone. All of them. I'm melting. I can feel everything melting
away. Everything's gone," said the Golden Man and then he shut the door
leaving Occultism Kid and Bacchus alone again.
"There's someone who's going to be needing lots of therapy when this is
all over," said Bacchus taking another swig.
"What happened to him? What's happening here?"
"Someone cast a spell from a book that should have never been cast. Now
everything will either be destroyed -- or saved depending on your view
point. Never the less, a new age is coming." Bacchus plucked a grape
from his crown and popped it into his mouth. "Some might call this new
era a Silver Age. But then this place is a nexus of all Ages. Golden.
Bronze. Dark. Beige."
"Beige? What's that?"
"Oh, just the last Age. It will take a while for that one to come. I
think our Golden friend might have stepped into a room that is
influenced by the Dark Age."
"I need to stop this," said Occultism Kid reaching for the door.
"You could do that I suppose. Of course you really haven't a clue of
what you're up against, now do you? Now, do you see that bottle up
there." Bacchus pointed to a dusty bottle up on the highest shelf.
"Yes. Your point?"
"That bottle contains all of the secrets and mysteries of the Universe.
Or Looniverse if you prefer that name. Right in that bottle.
Everything you've ever needed to know. Right in there. Why don't you
take a drink from it? Of course you shouldn't try to drink all of it.
That would be bad."
"Every answer? In that bottle?"
Bacchus nodded. "Just take it. No one's looking."
"I can't do that -- that would be -- well, maybe just one drink. That
wouldn't be that big of a..." Occultism Kid said staring at the bottle.
"One drink?" Bacchus said with a smirk.
"Yes. Just one drink."
Bacchus laughed as he reached for the bottle.
===+++===
2007 -
"And so you spent your time boozing during the greatest Magic Battle of
the 20th Century?" asked Occultism Kid in disbelief.
"Well, I didn't spend it all drinking. I was at the final moment of the
battle and the destruction of the Book of Deus ex Machinas. The thing
was -- Bacchus was right about the bottle. It was an ocean of
knowledge. Most of what I know comes from that bottle. And there was
so much more that I could have learned. I could have spent my life
drinking in that room. The God of Wine is a very tempting being. But I
did manage to free myself from his grip and reach the final battle."
"Well, that's good," Occultism Kid said in a sarcastic manner. "Are you
sure you saw the Book's destruction? Perhaps you were hoodwinked by a
false one."
"That's possible, I suppose. And I was pretty drunk at the time. Who
knows. It might be out there still. Of course even if it is -- it
might be best if it's never found."
"I have to find it. It's the only thing that can stop Dekay and Diskolor."
"Is it? Maybe. Maybe not. It's your call. I cannot tell you more
than that, young one."
"I understand. Well, thanks."
"Good luck."
Occultism Kid nodded his head and vanished from the golf course.
===+++===
End of Part OnePart 2
===+++===
1992 -
Golden Man hesitated for a bit, although eventually he opened the door.
"Hey, Golden!" said a familiar face. It was an old team mate of his
known as the 4-Color Kid. "So, this is where you've been holed up."
"Yes -- I -- How -- how are you 4-Color -- I'm sorry the place is a mess
-- I haven't..."
"It's okay. It's just been a long time though. Things going all right?"
Golden Man shrugged. "I guess so. I haven't been doing much lately.
Just thinking. Thinking about the way it used to be. So -- what do you
want?"
"Well, thing is -- I'm a member of the LNH now. This new incarnation
that just formed. You know Kid Presentdaze? Well, he calls himself Kid
Yesterdaze these days. He's a member too -- in fact he was the one who
recruited me. Anyway, most of the LNH'rs are kids right now. Clueless
teens -- you know. I was wondering if you'd like to be a..."
"No. I'm sorry. You know I don't do that hero stuff anymore. Not
since the -- the..."
"It's been 36 years, Golden. You need to get over..."
"Get over what? The death of Golden Lass, Mr. Multitask -- Goldy the
Golden Mutt!?"
"We don't know if they're dead. There was no trace of..."
"You saw what happened to those villains."
"Villains? Oh. Right. You're talking about those idiots who
shanghaied the Blue Bottle and Neddie Thunderbox's identities, right?
Who were they again? What was it -- the 'Syndicate of Goonish
Challenged Speaking Naughty Types' from Earth-Can't-Speak-Goonish -- is
that right?" The 4-Color Kid gave a short laugh. "The Yellow Bottle and
Bloody Thundersox." The 4-Color Kid shook his head. "Yeah." The
4-Color Kid sighed. "That was horrible -- what happened to them. Poor
idiots."
"Yes. I guess we were the lucky idiots. Captain Backdate went insane.
Golden Lord -- Well, who knows what happened to Golden Lord. [See
Tales of the LNH #278 for what happened to Golden Lord -- Footnote Girl]
It's all gone. The Classic Squad ended that day. It's over. All of
it. And I'm done. I'm retired."
"You can still do some good."
Golden Man turned his head away. "No. I don't think so. Not anymore."
"I see." The 4-Color Kid looked over his old teammates room. Other
than a TV set and some furniture, it was pretty blank. He looked to see
what Golden Man was watching. "That the Marx Brothers?"
"Yeah. Duck Soup." Golden Man sighed. "The Marx Brothers. Dead.
They're all dead. Like everything..." Before Golden Man could continue
with that thought a News Break interrupted the picture. "Hmm. What the
....? Some kind of Tower? A Beige Clock Tower. I wonder why..."
"Christ! Got to get back to LNH Headquarters, Golden Man. Here's my
card if you change your mind." The 4-Color Kid handed Golden Man a card
and raced out of the apartment.
Golden Man looked at the card and then looked at his TV. He crumpled
the card up in this hand, locked the door, sat back down, and switched
to another channel.
===+++===
2008 -
"Hey-ya, Occulty! What ya doing?" Catalyst Lass leaned over Occultism
Kid's shoulder while Occultism Kid read from a very old and dusty book.
"Umm -- hi Cat. I'm trying to do some research about the Book of Deus
ex Machinas if you don't mind."
"Oh, I don't mind. Anyways, have this question to ask you -- What do
you think about Hex Luthor? Hmm?"
"I'm not a fan. And I can't say that I like how the Ultimate Ninja
seems to be best buddies with him now days either."
"That's interesting. Okay, look. We're having this meeting. This
secret meeting -- that no one can know about! And I'd like you to come
to it. I'd really, really, really like you to come! It's going to be
at..."
"No, Cat. Do you see this?" Occultism Kid pointed to a charm on his
trenchcoat. "It's a Protection Pin. It protects me from people's
powers and attempts at mind control. It means I'm not going to this
meeting."
"I wasn't -- I didn't..." Catalyst Lass said with a hurt expression on
her face.
"I'm busy. I need to do this. I need to find this book. I can't deal
with LNH politics or whatever. Finding the Book of Deus ex Machinas is
the most important thing. Now please let me be, Cat."
"I'm sorry I'm bothering you. I'll let you go back to your Hocus Pocus
books." Catalyst Lass walked off.
Occultism Kid shut the book he was reading and gave a sigh. He
shouldn't have said that to Cat. Or at least he should have said it in
a nicer way. Maybe he should go apologize. No. He had to keep
reading. Researching. There was just so little time left and he wasn't
making any progress. Where was this damn book? Where was it hiding?
It didn't seem to exist and everyone that knew anything about it seemed
to be convinced that it had been destroyed.
There had to be someone out there who knew something. Think. Think.
Occultism Kid panned all of the bookshelves of the LNH library. There
was something he was missing. And then he spotted something. There was
a warping of space. Something was coming through. Occultism Kid walked
over to where the warp was forming.
Before he could reach the spot though an energy burst exploded from the
warp. A crack in time and space developed. And out of it stepped a
familiar face. The face of Occultism Kid.
This Occultism Kid, however, was wearing the Insanity Gauntlet, Ring of
Retconn, and Cosmic Plot Device.
It had to be Bart, Occutlism Kid thought to himself, trying to fool me.
But that would mean that Bart now had the Cosmic Plot Device? He
would be unstoppable!
"Quit the charade, Bart. I know it's you."
The Occultism Kid looking figure just gazed in confusion. "Where am I?
Are you me? Yes. Past me. I must be -- Yes, the past. Why am I
here? Oh, yes."
What game was Bart playing here? Maybe it wasn't Bart. Could it be --
could it possibly be him from the future, Occultism Kid studied his
double. And if so, what did this all mean -- why was he wearing the
Insanity Gauntlet? Why was he here? Maybe it was Bart, playing some
mind game. It didn't matter. He would have to assume this was his
future self. He had to play along.
"Worms are in my brain. Eating away and eating away." The future
Occultism Kid started to laugh. "It hurts. It's cracking. Everyone is
dying. I can see too much. Too much! All of it! All the stories that
have been written and that will be written. And all the stories that
won't be written. All of them! I see them all."
"It's the Insanity Gauntlet, isn't it? It's destroying your brain. Why
are you wearing it? You're from Beige Midnight, aren't you? Why are
you here?"
"Have to be. Always been here. Need to stop. Stop something. That's
why I came. Thinking is becoming hard. Casting a spell. That's why
I'm wearing the Gauntlet. Have to wear it to cast the spell from the
Book. The Book. The Book of Deus ex Machinas."
"You've got the book? It exists? Where did you find it?"
"Can I change it? Or does it matter? Does it happen whatever choice I
make? Will they escape regardless? They can't be stopped. I shouldn't
be here."
"Who are you talking about? The Bryttle Brothers? I need your help
finding the book."
"Maybe it's too late to change. Maybe I should tell him. I'll need the
book. Perhaps it doesn't matter. Yes. The Book of Deus ex Machinas.
The Paper Puller knows where it is. Find him."
"The Paper Puller. What's that -- oh wait. Do you mean
Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad? Is that who you're talking about?"
"Peril Room safeties are starting to fail. It's falling apart. All our
enemies have gathered. Too many of them. The force field is cracking.
They're coming in! Dekay and Diskolor are waking. Everyone is dying!
I need to go back. Stop this! Help them. Need to help them. Need
to..." And then the future Occultism Kid disappeared from the library.
"Wait -- I need..." But he was gone. Occultism Kid rushed over to
Librarian Lady's desk. "I need your help. Is this place monitored? Do
you have cameras monitoring this place?"
"Umm. Yes. We do in fact," said Librarian Lady in an uneasy manner.
"I need to watch the video of my conversation with my future self."
"Umm. You mean this," she said rewinding the monitor tape on screen #6.
"It has you, but you're talking to nothing."
"Damn. Well, send me a copy of the tape to my room anyway. I'll need
to look at it. Right now I need to find Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad."
"Okay. Gotcha." Librarian Lady started to type away on her computer.
===+++===
1992 --
The 4-Color Kid looked at his door. The lock was broken. Thieves?
Cautiously, he entered his house. He switched on the lights. Sitting
on his chair was a monochromish man in a trenchcoat. And a man in a
golden trenchcoat stood next to him.
The monochromish man dumped an empty tequila bottle onto the ground.
"You're out of liquor."
"What the hell are doing here? Get out -- or I'm calling the cops!"
"Relax, buddy. I'm here to tell you about your destiny. You see -- a
week from now -- you're going to save the entire Universe."
"What are you talking about?"
"What my friend is saying," answered the man in the golden trenchcoat,
"Is that you're going to stop the Brothers of Dekay and Diskolor. You
will end this Time of Beige and restore this world to its proper colors."
"You're talking about this whole Beige Sky stuff and the Beige Clock
Tower, right? Do you know what's happening? How am I supposed to save
everything?"
"By dying," said the monochrome man. "You see, you're going to explode
in a bright burst of colors and stop the Bryttle Brothers's havoc. Alas
though, it won't kill them -- but it will weaken them enough for us to
trap them in the book my friend is carrying.
The 4-Color Kid noticed that the Golden Trenchcoated Man was carrying
some type of book. "Wait. Dying? Did you say I was going to die?"
"Fraid so. Can't be helped. You'll just have to grin you're teeth and
bear it." The monochrome man lit himself a cigarette.
"But -- I don't want to die! Isn't there some other way?"
"Nope. Wanna a drink? There might be something left in this bottle?"
The monochrome man grabbed the nearly empty tequila bottle off the floor.
"I'm going to die? I've never been married. Never had kids. And I'm
going to die?"
"Yeah. It's tough. But that's the way it goes. Anyways, here's our
card." The monochromed man handed the 4-Color Kid a grayish card and
then both men left his place.
They were just a couple of crazies. That's what the 4-Color Kid wanted
to believe. But he couldn't. The dreams he had been having every since
'56 --they were all starting to come true. He was going to die. He had
to die.
The 4-Color Kid sat down in his lazy chair and looked at the nearly
empty tequila bottle. Why? Why me? "I'm going to die," he said to
himself. "I'm going to die."
The 4-Color Kid had a week left to live.
===+++===
2008 --
"And so this Ninja Sun is wailing the hell out of me and I'm like..."
said You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad demonstrating this by making
punching gestures while Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad and Namer Boy having
lunch at a table watched.
"Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad! Need you to come with me," said Occultism
Kid interrupting the story.
"Sure, OK!" Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad quickly sipped the last of his
orange soda and hopped out of his chair towards where Occultism Kid was.
"Hey, Occultism Kid!" piped Namer Boy. "What about me? Need someone to
name something? Because I could like totally do that if you needed
something named. I mean I could do that no problem. Just say the word
and I'm there. No problem."
"Sorry, Namer Boy. I don't really need your power at the moment," said
Occultism Kid as he and Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad made their way out
of the cafeteria.
"That's okay. Just checking." Namer Boy gave a disappointed sigh.
"Hey, Namer Boy, don't let it get you down, dude. I'm sure that someday
'someone' will need your power," said You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough
Lad. "Anyway, back to my story. So these Ninja Suns were wailing at me
and I'm like a Muhammad Ali punching bag -- I mean Wham! Bam! Thank
you, Ma'am! And I'm..." You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad continued
to making punching motions.
===+++===
The White House --
"I am tiring of this game -- playing some dead hero," said the Ultimate
Savior. "I want my revenge on the LNH. Bad-Timing Boy, Innovative
Offense Boy, Multi-Tasking Man, and Deja Dude. I want to destroy them.
All of them."
"You need to be patient. What we're doing right now is too important to
be... *Urk*!" President Hexadecimal Luthor said as he found his throat
being pulled up into the air by the Ultimate Savior's hand. However,
right as the Ultimate Savior opened his mouth to speak some more, a
great pain started to fill inside his head. He dropped Hex and started
to morph into a jelly like substance.
"*Arrrgghhggh!!" the jelly like substance screamed. "What -- are -- you
-- doing -- to me!!?"
"Really now," Hex Luthor said brushing himself off. "Did you think I'd
go to the trouble of putting you back together if I didn't also have a
way to hurt you -- or kill you? No. Let's just say every single part
of you is hooked up to a pain device that is also linked to my own
nervous system. So if you try to hurt me you'll feel great amounts of
pain. And if I should happen to die -- well -- you'll go too. Of
course it's a one way link. If you should happen to feel pain or die, I
won't be affected by it. I guess I should have mentioned it, although I
guess I thought that putting you all back together again would instill
some loyalty in you. I guess I was wrong."
"Not -- whole! Part -- Missing!"
"Yes. You're right. There is a part of you missing. But don't worry.
I assure you, it's in a very secure place."
"Please -- stop! Pain! Stop! Hurts!! Please!!!" whimpered the jelly
like blob.
"I don't know. I'm not sure you've learned your lesson. I'm not sure
you understand your place. You see. Here it is. You're a tool. Just
a tool. And your pathetic revenge fantasies about destroying the LNH
are meaningless to me. All of you are tools. wReamicus Maximus. Manga
Man. Mr. Tiddles. Irony Man. And you. You're just tools. Devices
for me to carve my face into the heart of the world. That's all. And
once you accept that, you'll be a lot happier. Do you understand?"
"Yes!! P-please!!"
"I doubt it. What are you?"
"Tuu--Tool!"
"Good. And who is your master?"
"Y-you!! Y-you are!!!"
"Who is your God?"
"Y-you!! You!! P-please!!!?"
"Very well. I release you from the pain. You can return back to the
Ultimate Savior form."
The jelly like form quickly morphed back.
"And now, I have important tasks to do. Meetings that need to be
attended. Plans that need to be taken care of. You know -- running the
world. And about that conversation we were having earlier about the
Saviors of the Net -- I think that the Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Man
isn't that much of a threat. The authorities can probably take care of
him. The Gothic Gorilla on the other hand? Well -- it might be best to
eliminate him. So you should probably start working on that. Got that?"
The Ultimate Savior nodded his head.
"Good. Well, see you at dinner."
Hex Luthor exited the room leaving the Ultimate Savior alone by himself.
A look of absolute hatred formed on the Ultimate Savior's face -- but
it was followed by a sinister smile. The Ultimate Savior began to morph
again. A few seconds later the Ultimate Savior looked exactly like Hex
Luthor. The false Hex Luthor laughed and then spoke to himself. "I've
got plans too, Hex. And I can wait. Oh God, I can wait. Mr. Nasty
(tm) has all the time in the world. And that's a long, long time." Mr.
Nasty (tm) made a hideous laughing sound that lasted for quite a while.
===+++===
"I don't know if I can help you, Occultism Kid. I mean ever since
wReamhack pulled me out of that Peril Room hard drive my powers have
been kinda screwed up [see LNHCP #502]. And pulling a whole book out of
my hat -- I don't know if I can do that." Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad
took his top hat off and placed it in his lap.
"Just do the best that you can. I've got some spells that can help you
concentrate if you need some help there."
"Let me just try something first." Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad quickly
stuck his hand into the top hat and just quickly pulled out a piece of
paper. "Weird," he said gazing at what appeared to be a centerfold. "I
haven't seen this in a long time."
"What is it?" Occultism Kid said snatching the picture out of
Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad's hands. It was a centerfold from the
magazine Furrboy that had a naked Rabbit Woman on it. Occultism Kid
rolled his eyes and handed it back to Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad.
"Hey, what can I say? I told you my powers were screwed up," said
Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad with a sheepish voice. "Okay. Let me try
again."
"Wait. Let me do a spell." Occultism Kid made some gestures with his
hand and then said, "Concentrate! Okay now try it."
Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad took a deep breath and reached into the hat
again. "I can feel it -- but -- can't seem to..."
Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad struggled trying to pull his arm out of his
hat. "It's being blocked by something. Can't get it. Whatever is
blocking me is too powerful. Can't do it." Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad
took his hand out of the hat empty.
"Can you tell where the book is, Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad?"
"Yeah, I think I do know where it is. It's the hat. It's in the hat.
It's weird, never had that feeling before, but yeah -- it's definitely
in the hat. It's literally right there."
"In your hat? Okay. Where exactly did this hat of yours come from?"
said Occultism Kid as he took a closer inspection of the top hat.
===+++===
End of Part 2 ===+++===
1992 -
"It's done. They're trapped." Phil M. Norrish released his grips from
the hands of Queen Bee's Knees and the dead corpse of the Golden
Trenchcoat and walked over to the Book. There in the pages of the Book
of Deus ex Machinas were the images of Dekay and Diskolor. Trapped in
the pages. He slammed the book shut.
"Golden! Golden!! Oh god! You killed him! Your spell killed him!"
said Queen Bee's Knees, an old lady in an old style flapper get up with
a trenchcoat as she rushed over to the Golden Trenchcoat's corpse and
cradled him while tears streamed from her eyes. "Golden."
"He knew what he was getting into," Phil M. Norrish said fishing around
in one of his pockets for a cigarette and match. Finding both he placed
the cigarette in his mouth and lit it. He exhaled smoke into the air.
"We all knew what we were getting into."
"We'll need to hide the book," said the Top Hat, a trenchcoated man in a
top hat who looked a bit like Fred Astaire. "It will only be a matter
of time before acolytes of the Brothers try to get them out of it.
They'll also be trying to find us. Time is of the Essence."
"Right. Any suggestions about where we should bury it?"
"Let me think." The Top Hat took his hat off and gave his head a
scratch and then he glanced at his hat. "Of course! This is where
we'll hide it!"
"You want to hide the book in your Top Hat? Are you daft?" said Phil M.
Norrish.
"No. I want to hide it in a dimension in the hat. A dimension where we
can all hide and protect the book. To the outside world it will just be
a hat. A piece of rubbish in an alleyway. No one will ever know."
"You better be right. Well, Bee's Knees, you going spend your whole
life weeping?"
"You bastards! Don't you care? Is this all a joke to you? He's dead!"
"Please, Anita," said the Top Hat putting his hand on Queen Bee's Knees
shoulder, "We need to protect the book. Your husband died so we could
trap the Brothers. If we don't protect the book from the various cults
that worship the Brothers -- his death will have been in vain. Please,
for the Golden Trenchcoat's sake."
Queen Bee's Knees wiped her eyes. "For him. Not for any of you. Just
for him."
"Fine." Phil M. Norrish flicked his still burning cigarette into the
street. "Let's get this show on the road."
The Top Hat took out his wand and after chanting some words waved the
wand. The three live trenchcoaters, the corpse, and the book all
disappeared. All that was left was the top hat in the alley.
A few minutes later, an eleven year old boy walked by the alley and
spotted the hat.
"Cool! I always wanted to wear one of these." But before he put it on
he glimpsed something within the hat. Was it a piece of paper?
The boy reached for the thing inside the hat with his extra thumb hand
and pulled it out. It was a centerfold! A centerfold from some porn
magazine depicting a totally naked bunny woman! The boy had a strange
feeling when he saw the picture. A feeling that he had a power. An
awesome power! It was like he could feel every single porn centerfold
there had ever been. And they were all in this hat. And just by
reaching into the hat, he could get anyone of them. This was the power
he had.
No more would the kids at school tease him with cruel nicknames like,
"Four Thumbs. Thumbo. Thumbelina. Thumby." No. They wouldn't call
him that anymore. They would now call him --
Pulls-Porn-Centerfolds-Out-of-Hats Lad and he would be the coolest kid
in school! Yes! They would all stand in awe at his power! And he'd be
rich selling porn centerfolds to all his classmates! Yeah!
But wait. What if it had only been a freak thing? Suppose he'd have to
try again. How did he do it? Just reach in there and grab it. He
pulled his hand out of the hat. It was paper. Someone's tax return.
The boy frowned.
Perhaps he needed to focus on what he wanted. Think porn centerfold.
Naked cheerleader centerfold. Focus. Naked cheerleader centerfold.
The boy reached back into the hat and pulled out -- someone's kleenix.
An hour later --
The boy looked at the huge stack of papers next to his hat. None of the
papers were porn centerfolds. The boy then screamed in frustration,
"What am I doing wrong?!!"
The boy sighed to himself. Oh well. Maybe he should just call himself
Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad instead.
===+++===
2008 -
"And I wouldn't figure out how to pull porn centerfolds out again till I
was twenty-one, which by then was a little too late. As for the hat,"
Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad shrugged. "Once I figured out that I could
use my power on any hat I guess I thought that there was nothing that
special about this hat. I just kept it for sentimental reasons. And
because it was cool, of course."
"I see. Look, Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad, I'm going to try to enter
the dimension that's in your hat," Occultism said as he took the hat
from Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad's hands
"Err -- okay. What should I do while you're doing that?"
"Just guard the hat. Make sure it's safe from harm. I'm not sure when
I'll be back. If I get into any trouble, I'll write some messages in
paper and you can pull them out. Okay?"
Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad gave a nod.
"Okay then. I'm going in." Occultism Kid made some chants and gestures
with his hands, which caused him to turn into a colorful cloud of smoke,
which flowed into the top hat until it was gone.
Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad looked inside his hat, but couldn't see
anything of note. He set it down on the table and sat in a chair.
"Okay. I guess I'll be staring at this hat. Staring away."
Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad tapped the table as he watched the hat with
a bored expression. "Damn. I really should have brought my iHat."
===+++===
As Occultism Kid slipped within a very small tear that was in
Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad's hat. On the other side of the tear was
magnificent landscape that was covered in an amethyst sky with azure
clouds lighted by an emerald sun. He could see far into the distance
what appeared to be an ebony castle. And on the ground made of blood
red sand something was moving. Creatures that looked like turtles.
Turtles of Apocalyptic Proportions.
The landscape was covered in them. There were millions of them. Maybe
billions? Perhaps trillions?
The turtles became aware of his presence and before he could think about
how to deal with them, the turtles started leaping from the ground
sending their absurdly enormous bodies towards him. Their eyes glowed
with the color of Armageddon.
===+++===
Weevil Dendrite didn't like what he saw when he opened up his fridge.
It wasn't that his fridge was filled with bowls of jello. No. It
always was like that. No. It was the color of the jello. Every single
jello in his refrigerator had turned the color beige. The Grape, The
Strawberry Banana, The Peach, and Yes -- even the Blackberry. It was
the Blackberry one that disturbed him the most. The Blackberry jello
that had only one purpose. To tell him that the end of everything was
near (or that the Cubs were going to win the World Series which didn't
seem very likely this year). There was a beige jello tower that was
growing from it. And two jello monsters also seemed to be crawling out
of it. Weevil shut the fridge door. No, this definitely wasn't good.
He went over to his cupboard and grabbed a bunch of jello packets. And
then he went over to his closet and took out his trenchcoat. He sighed.
When would it ever end?
But for now -- the Jellomancer needed to return.
===+++===
Kirk Dublin flipped the burger on the grill watching it sizzle on the
hot metal. Flies hovered around the grill. Kirk tried to shoo the
flies away with his spatula. But one fly didn't seem to want to leave.
It kept buzzing and buzzing. Getting closer to the grill. And
finally, the fly flew right into the burning coals. Stupid fly. Why
did it do that?
Kirk looked up and noticed that a stranger was in his yard. A man that
wore a black trenchcoat and black fedora carrying a staff made out of
some strange black material in one hand and a beige trenchcoat and
briefcase in the other. Kirk started to become very uneasy. "Umm --
Can I help you with something?"
"Once I may have joined you for slightly charred hamburgers and
citronella-tinged conversation, but for now I must be the Banquo at your
banquet, the uninvited guest." The Stranger gave a slight smile.
"Uhuh. Look if you want some food or money, I can..."
"No. I came here to speak to the Deadbeat."
"Deadbeat? I don't know what you're talking about. Maybe you should
leave."
"No. But my time is too precious to fool around with these type of
games." The trenchcoated stranger struck his staff on the lawn.
Everything except for the stranger and Kirk disappeared.
"No! What have you done?!" Kirk said as he gazed in horror at the blank
white world. "Where's my house? My family? Bring it back! Bring it
all back!"
The stranger shook his head. "This is the truth that you already know.
This was a prison forged by the man named Dr. Molar. Your family and
life here are not real. This is your reality." The stranger dumped the
beige trenchcoat onto the blank white ground. "Pick it up. Put it on."
"No. I can't. Not again. Please!"
"If you do not put on the trenchcoat, then you turn your back on
everything. Everyone. Worlds and Universes will die. You will die.
But put the trenchcoat on and everything might be saved. And once the
balance has been restored, I care not what you do with yourself. I can
bring you back here so you can wallow away your final years in this
dream life. If you want. But if you don't put on the trenchcoat your
dream and dream family die here and now."
"Fine." Kirk Dublin grabbed the trenchcoat reluctantly. He looked at
the trenchcoat with the fading logo 'Stolen from Club Med' on it and
hesitated. His hands started to shake. And then he put it on.
As soon as he put the trenchcoat on, a change overtook him. A wild grin
came over his face. His hand quickly reached into one of the pockets
and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. He stuffed every one of them in
his mouth and took out a lighter and lit them all. After a number of
very deep inhales and exhales, he took all but one out of his mouth.
Putting his hand into another pocket, he took out a bottle of pills and
a bottle of gin. After he swallowed the bottle of pills and washed them
down with the bottle of gin, he threw them on the ground. "Damn. I
needed that." He laughed to himself. And then he looked at the
Stranger and gave a wink. "Well, Dave. Thanks and all for getting me
out of that Retard Asylum. You can drop me off at the nearest orgy or
whore house if you want. I'll even pay for gas."
"No. You're going to Net.ropolis. You have business there."
"The Hell I do. Look. Fine. You can leave me here if you want. I'm
sure I can find my way out of here." Dr. Deadbeat started to walk
around the blank world he was in. "Okay. Where's the door in this
place? Got to be somewhere here. Hmm."
"As tempting as that sounds. No. You're going to Net.ropolis. And
here's the reason." The Dvandom Stranger opened up the briefcase and
showed the contents to Dr. Deadbeat. The contents gave a golden glow.
"Is that...? Christ. For real?"
The Dvandom Stranger nodded.
"Damn. Bloody Bastard." Dr. Deadbeat frowned. "Fine. Net.ropolis it
is. So. Who else is going to be there? Eh?"
"Everyone that I can get."
Dr. Deadbeat laughed. "That's funny. You're kidding. Right?" The
Dvandom Stranger didn't answer. "I mean you're kidding. Please tell me
you're..."
And with a flash the two trenchcoaters disappeared leaving a blank white
world that seemed to be turning more and more beige as the time passed.
===+++===
A man walked into a Diapers, Guns, and Pentagram Supplies.Mart. A
strange tall man wearing an old railroad conductor's hat, dress pants,
shirt, and suspenders. Near the counter of the store were two
trenchcoated men and another person who looked like the store clerk
bound to the floor with rope. The two trenchcoaters looked up and
stared at the strange man with the railroad conductor hat with rather
hostile expressions.
"I say there! What are you two gents doing?" said the Stange Man with a
cheerful voice. "Ah, is that an exorcism? Ah, yes -- an exorcism!
Jolly good. Jolly good. I don't like to brag -- but I have had a share
of exorcisms under my belt in my day. Let's see here. When was the
last one? Oh yes. I was exorcising this Non-Tipping Barfly. Sadly, it
went a little wrong. The demon escaped and kind of took over that small
town. A shame. It was a rather nice village before the demon took it
over. Haven't been back there since. I wonder if that demon is still
in control? Well, I can't really go back there. The county, you see,
passed this law forbidding me from entering that county again. Seemed
slightly excessive, but I guess that whole demon escapade left them a
little raw. Oh, btw, the name's Velcro. Simon Velcro. Member of the NTB."
The two trenchcoaters didn't answer. They just continued to stare at him.
"I know what you're thinking. You're probably thinking that I'm just
some poser and wanker trying to pretend I'm the great Simon Velcro just
so you'll think I'm cool and hip. But no really, I am Simon Velcro.
Really! Honest to Betsy! You see my trenchcoat was stolen by this
Negatively Trained Bartender -- it's actually a rather long (but highly
amusing) story involving Nude Tricycling Bears and Naughty Teenaged
Babes -- but you're probably busy with that whole exorcism macjiggy so I
won't tire you with all of the breathtaking details. Suffice to say I
had this map given to me by the Dvandom Stranger, or Davey as he likes
me to call him (because we're that close!), that showed the whereabouts
of this very important meeting that Davey wanted me to attend (probably
because of my incredible occult abilities or conversation skills!). But
alas, I put the map in my trenchcoat -- and my trenchcoat was stolen!
Can you believe that? I can't -- but it happened! And since you two
gents seem to be wearing trenchcoats I was wondering if you were aware
of where this meeting might be taking place -- or even what city it
might be at?"
"Hmm. There's this big thing going down in Net.ropolis. Is that what
you're talking about?" said the trenchcoated man with the mustache.
"Net.ropolis? Yes. That sounds about right. Well, I guess that's all
I really needed to know. Thank you for the help. I'd love to stay and
chat with you fellas, but..." Simon Velcro looked at his Mickey Mouse
watch. "But the time -- I need to get my beauty rest. You know how
that is. Well, thanks again. Toot-a-loo, my fellow Net.Trenchcoat
Brigade members. And you too, Mr. Bound on the Floor Man. Bye!"
The man bound on the floor started to scream as Simon Velcro exited the
building.
"Wait. Who the fuck is Simon Velcro?" asked the man in the trenchcoat
who had no mustache to his companion.
The trenchcoated man with the mustache shrugged his shoulders and began
to apply more holy water on the bounded screaming man.
===+++===
Occultism Kid wrapped himself in a Sphere of Protection, but he knew he
wouldn't be able to sustain the spell forever as fire and lightning
beams from a swarm of turtles' eyes tried to annihilate him and acid and
poison gases washed over the sphere. For some reason these turtles
unlike the Looniverse counterparts the LNH had fought seemed to have
quite a bit of powers and a resistance to magic. Was it the dimension
that was giving them these powers? Or maybe the Book of Deus ex
Machinas? Whatever the reason, he had to get out of here before they
totally pulverized him.
He'd have to go back and get a large number of LNH'rs, although judging
from the powers and number of turtles there was no way that even the
whole LNH could defeat all of them. He needed a plan. Maybe Hooded
Ho`'od Win could have a whole lot of the LNH fight the turtles while a
small team led by him snuck into the castle to get the Book. Or Maybe
something else.
First things first though. He had to get out of here alive. As he
pondered how to slip through the turtles that were surrounding him he
noticed that they had stopped attacking him. Something was wrong. The
turtles seemed to be gagging. And then he watched as they started to
fall back to the ground. The turtles were dying. And not just the ones
that were attacking him. The rest also seemed to be dropping to the
ground and collapsing. They were all dying.
Occultism Kid was relieved that the barrage of violence had stopped, but
the death of all of these turtles greatly disturbed him. What was doing
it? Or who? The few ideas about who didn't comfort him. He had to get
to the castle quickly and get the Book before whatever was killing all
of the turtles got there first. He cast a spell that gave him the
ability to fly at incredibly fast speeds and sped towards the castle
even as the Turtles of Apocalyptic Proportions dropped like flies from a
wave of death.
===+++===
Occultism Kid slowed his body down as he entered the castle. He could
feel the power of the Book of Deus ex Machinas. It was like a candle
flame that flickered with the energy of a trillion universes. Occultism
Kid floated his way towards this incredible feeling, which led him to a
gigantic gold door. With a blast of his magic the door opened revealing
a large room. In the room was an old trenchcoated man whose colors were
only black, white, and grey. He clutched a book in his hands. Beside
him were the skeletons of a male and a female who were also wearing
trenchcoats.
"You idiot!" the old man said in a furious manner. "You brought him
here! You've doomed us! You've -- It's all doomed. Everything wasted."
"What are you talking about?" Occultism Kid said looking around the
room. "Who did I...?"
"I believe he's talking about me," said a voice that Occultism Kid
instantly recognized. A second later the visage of Bart the Dark
Receptionist became visible. Unearthly crimson tendrils wrapped around
Occultism Kid before he could act in retaliation. "Oh and btw thanks
for helping me find this place. I really -- and I mean really couldn't
have done this without you. See, Mr. Grey Guy was casting some powerful
spell that hid him and this dimension. So thanks." Bart laughed a
mocking laugh. "Now I can free the Bryttle Brothers from the book. Oh.
Didn't you know that's where they were? I must have forgot to tell
you that info. A shame."
Oh god. Occultism Kid's heart sank as he realized what he had done.
Occultism Kid started chanting spells to help him break free from the
tendrils grip.
Bart ignoring Occultism Kid blasted the Ring of Retconn at the old man.
The old man looked in horror as he realized he didn't have any arms.
He never had any arms. The book he was holding fell to the ground.
"That's not the real book, is it?" Bart said glancing at the book that
had fallen. "Some kind of magical trap, right? Clever." Bart blasted
the book into oblivion. "Too bad for you -- I can read minds, isn't
it?" Bart laughed. "I think I'll read yours now. Now, I have to warn
you -- this -- is going to smart." The old man's face clenched in agony
as he let out a blood curding scream. "Wow. Well. You've committed
all kinds of nauseating and unspeakable acts, haven't you? I feel
jealous. Alas, it was for naught. Boy, you're probably feeling very
guilty about the life you've led right about now, I'll bet. No heaven
for you. Oh. So that's where it is. Interesting."
Occultism Kid struggled in the tendrils, which seemed to absorb every
spell he cast, making them stronger and stronger.
Bart walked over to where the old man was and then using his Insanity
Gauntleted hand reached into the old man's chest and pulled out his
still beating grayish heart. "A rather peculiar place to store a book
if I do say so myself." Bart burned the heart away with a mere thought.
He blew the pile of ashes away from his palm leaving a tiny book.
"Hmm. Lot smaller than I expected. Wait a sec." Bart closed his eyes
and then reopened them. The Book of Deus ex Machinas returned to its
original size. "There. That's better. Now let's see what we have here."
"Bart! Don't do this! Please, just think about..."
Bart looked back at Occultism Kid and shook his head in an amused
manner. "Occultism Kid. Occultism Kid. Really, now. After all of the
horrible atrocities I've committed to get this far, and you think I
should stop right now? Right now? No. Uhuh. Sorry. That's not how
the game is played. Nope." Bart opened the book. "Well, I guess I
better get this over with. Now which page are they on?" Bart thumbed
through the index. "Ah. Here. Dekay and Diskolor. Page 666. Heh.
How cliched." Bart flipped over to the page and ripped it out. Bart
held the page up so that Occultism Kid could see it. "Any last words?"
Occultism Kid closed his eyes and focused all of his energy into one
enormous incredibly powerful spell. And then he chanted one word.
Freedom. A surge of magical energy enveloped him burning away the
tendrils that bound him. He was free, but the spell took its toil.
Occultism Kid collapsed to the ground.
"Impressive. A little too late though." With a thought, Bart turned
the page into flame and ash. The ashes flaked down to the ground.
"Hmm. Have to admit I was expecting something a little more dramatic.
Ah well. The Brothers are free. My contract with them has been
fulfilled. Hmm. Weird. You hear that? A ticking sound? There's this
ticking in my head. Tick. Tick. Tick. Hmm. Of course maybe I'm just
going crazy." Bart chuckled to himself.
Occultism Kid struggled his away up from the floor. He had to get the
book from Bart.
"Oh? You want the book? Well. Okay." Bart threw the book down. "You
can have it. I'm kind of done with it myself. Enjoy. Oh and you can
live too. Aren't a nice guy? Well, guess I'll be going. See you in
the Past." With that said Bart vanished from the room.
Occultism crawled his way over to where the book was and picked it up.
He looked over to where the old trenchcoated man was lying. He had
failed. This was all his fault. God. God dammit! Why didn't his
future self warn him about this? Why?
And then Occultism Kid heard a ticking sound in his head too. And
that's when the earth shook.
===+++===Part 4
===+++===
Meg Ryan looked at the group of heroes that were sitting at the table in
the rather dark dusty mysterious basement with a serious expression on
her face. "Okay. You're probably wondering what this meeting is about.
Why I called you all here."
"Umm -- actually, what I'm kinda wondering is what you, Meg Ryan, are
doing here," Cheesecake Eater Lad responded. "Last time I checked Meg
Ryan wasn't a member of the LNH. What the hell is going on here? Is
this some type of Retcon Hour effect?"
"Cat," Doctor Stomper said looking straight at Meg Ryan. "You might
want to turn my image.thingee off."
"Oh. Whoops." Catalyst Lass gave a little giggle as she switched it
off. "Sorry about that. Forgot that was still on. Had to come here
incognito. And somehow I just couldn't resist being Meg for a bit."
"Next time, perhaps something more inconspicuous." Doctor Stomper
pulled out a small device about the size of a thumb tack. "This is what
this meeting is about. It's one of Hex Luthor's Freedom Chips. It was
originally installed in Hell Catalyst although I managed to get it out
of her and put a decoy in its place."
"Whoah," Cheesecake Eater Lad broke in. "When did this happen? Why
doesn't anyone know about this?"
"It happened several months ago," answered Catalyst Lass. "Me and Helly
have both been working a covert mission to learn as much as we can about
the Hexfire Club. We switch places every now and then. The trickiest
part being fooling Mr. Tiddles. What we've learned though is that Hex
Luthor has control over the LNH and that the Ultimate Ninja probably
isn't the Ultimate Ninja."
"That sounds about right," Cheesecake Eater Lad said with a nod. "I've
been having my suspicions too lately. UN has been acting very strange
since he was released from prison. I don't know -- there's something
about the way he's behaving that reminds me of someone else. Just can't
think of whom. So, what happened to the real Ultimate Ninja and what
are we going to do about it?"
"I think we're going to have to assume that the Ultimate Ninja can take
care of himself," said Fearless Leader breaking into the conversation.
"But right now we've got all kinds of problems -- and the biggest one
being that everyday a hundred more Freedom Chip controlled Superheroes
are joining the LNH. We're going to need a force to counteract that.
We're going to have find out who's with us and try to recruit non LNH'rs
and maybe some supervillains. We're going to have to build an army and
prepare for war."
"Yes. Maybe we'll have to do that. But it's possible that I'll be able
to figure out how the Freedom Chip works and disable it with some
device," Doctor Stomper replied.
"Well, it looks like we have lots to do and..." Catalyst Lass paused,
"Weird. Does any one else hear a ticking sound?"
The secret meeting room started to shake.
===+++===
Continuity Porn Star struggled a bit with the crow bar as he attempted
to open the wooden box. There, the box was open, Continuity Porn Star
thought as he put the crow bar down and adjusted his bathrobe (a
bathrobe that covered Continuity Porn Star's very tattooed body.
Tattoos of which contained many references to a number of RACC stories.
Tattoos that would Boggle and Confuse any ordinary person who
attempted to look at them. Only a person who had read every LNH, LNHY,
PULP, NTB, RACChallenge, KEWL, SUPERGUY, OMEGA, PATROL, ASH, Elsewhirl,
8FOLD, and a number of other RACC Imprints stories could possibly hope
to understand what Continuity Porn Star's tattoos meant. A person who
hadn't read all of those stories would just look at all the tattoos with
befuddlement and say, 'What the hell? I don't get that. You mean I
have to read all of those stories just to understand what those tattoos
mean? All of them? Christ! I don't have time for that. God. I've
got to get out of here. I just don't understand. I don't understand!
What do they mean!? WHAT DO THEY MEAN!!!?' And then they'd walk away
totally confused. If they looked at the tattoos that is.) Continuity
Porn Star wiped some sweat off the top of his head and opened the wooden
crate. And then he looked inside and backed away in horror.
"Tarantulas! Pink Tarantulas!"
The Pink Tarantulas started crawling out of the crate.
"Ah!" said Mynabird. "They finally arrived!"
"You wanted these things?"
"Tarantula!" growled the Tarantulas.
"Of course!" Mynabird walked over and plucked one of the tarantulas and
watched as it crawled on his hand. "We had a small animal gap. I mean,
what good would it be to create a massive supervillain army that can
destroy the LNH if at the last second a massive swarm of kiwis defeats
us? Am I right?"
"I don't think that's going to happen."
"But it could!" Mynabird said shaking his head. "No. People always
underestimate the small animals factor. But not me! I understand only
all too well that sometimes the smallest animals are the most dangerous
animals!" Mynabird clenched his fist. "And now with these tarantulas
who are trained to attack and kill kiwis and oozlefinches, we've got
that base covered!"
"But they're pink! Why?" asked Continuity Porn Star.
"Well, you wouldn't believe what they were charging for the ordinary
brown type! But they were practically giving these pink ones away. The
person I bought these from assures me though that they're as dangerous
perhaps even more dangerous than the ordinary ones."
"Tarantula!" growled the Tarantulas.
"You're kidding? Right?" said Romantic Innuendo with an aghast look on
her face. "We now have to share our headquarters with tarantulas? Oh
god. This place is so horrible. And to think -- back in the days when
Mr. Homage was running the Brotherhood we used to stay at the Ritziest
and Swankest Hideout spots. I mean there would be Champaign bottles in
the bathroom and mints on the pillows. And a red rose also on the bed."
Romantic Innuendo sighed to herself.
"Hmm," said Captain Coredump with a slight hurt expression on his face,
"I don't remember any red roses on my bed."
"Well, that might have just been me. Nevertheless, how long are we
going to have to endure this dump? I mean really. The LNH's cellrooms
were better than this place. I mean, this place is totally ruining my
complexion," Romantic Innuendo said looking at her face using her
compact mirror.
Mynabird snatched the mirror out of her hands and crushed it in his
fist. "I am not Homage! And this is not the Brotherhood! This is the
Legion of Net.Villains!"
A mischievous smile found its way onto Romantic Innuendo's face.
"Perhaps, a girlfriend would give you a much more Sunny..." Before she
could say more though Mynabird grabbed her by the throat.
"If I feel even the slightest romantic feeling for anyone -- Anyone --
I will tear your head off your shoulders! Am I clear?" Mynabird threw
Romantic Innuendo back down onto the floor. "When we have crushed the
LNH, we will be kings and queens of this world! We'll be able to live
in castles or whatever your heart desires."
"Yeah? And when are we going to do that?" growled the RobGoblin.
"While we're standing around jawing -- the LNH keeps getting bigger!"
"10,000 new members," said Rumor Monger. "Well, that's what I've heard."
"Patience my fellow villains. I have a plan. A secret plan that just
can't be revealed right at this moment, but I assure you that..."
"You know, Mynabird -- I think you're a one trick pony. Oh sure you
were awesome in that whole Supervillain-LNH Robot Duplicate War, but
what have you done since then? It seems like failure after failure.
That whole taking over Net.ropolis debacle. The Ultimate Black Hole
incident." The mysterious figure in the shadows shook his head. "No.
I think we need a change in leadership. And. I think that change
should be me -- Greatest-Most-Awesome-LNH-Villain-Ever Master Man!!!!
Yes!! Me!! I should be the leader of the Legion of Net.Villains,"
Greatest-Most-Awesome-LNH-Villain-Ever Master Man said stepping out of
the shadows. "So who's with me? Who's ready for the greatest LNH
villain ever to be in charge?"
The room filled with a long awkward silence.
"Right. Looks like the Silent Majority has spoken. Okay, here's my
first leadership decision. I think we should all try some yoga
meditation exercises and then..." But before
Greatest-Most-Awesome-LNH-Villain-Ever Master Man could finish his first
leadership decision a dark energy blast from Mynabird's black metal hand
sent him screaming to the ground. "Oh god! The pain! The Pain!!
Mommy!!?"
"Now. Anyone else wish to challenge my rule? Speak now!" An even
deafer silence filled the room. "I thought so. Now let us start --
strange. Does anyone else hear a ticking sound? I can feel it in my..."
The Legion of Net.Villain's Headquarters started to shake.
"Tarantula!" growled the Tarantulas.
===+++===
"I don't know who you are." A frown overtook Hex Luthor's face while he
listened on the phone to the person who had called him. "I don't know
why you're telling me this. How did you get this number? Prank calling
this number is a felony. I don't know you or what you're talking about.
No. Please don't call here ever again. I am notifying the
authorities. Goodbye." Hex Luthor hung up the phone.
So, the ninja was free. That wasn't too surprising. It was something
that had to happen sooner or later. Hex Luthor smiled. Good thing he
implanted that Freedom Chip inside the ninja's head.
Everything was starting to fall into place. He just needed one more
thing. Hex walked over to a painting of Abraham Lincoln on the wall and
removed it. Behind the painting was a safe. Hex pressed his hand on
the hand print detector till a red light started to blink. "Open," he
said to the safe and the safe door opened. He reached inside the safe
and pulled out an object
The object looked very old and had a number of cracks on it. There was
a big piece that was missing from it. Hex Luthor gazed at the object
with delight in his eyes. He needed to find the missing piece and then
everything would fall into place. And with the fully restored Cosmic
Plot Device in his control not even God could stop him much less the LNH.
Hex Luthor placed the partial Cosmic Plot Device back into the safe and
locked it back up. As he reached for the painting, he felt a ticking
noise in his head. What the hell? Where was it coming from?
And that's when the Oval Office started to shake.
===+++===
Bicycle Repair Lad screamed at the TV set that was showing Hex Luthor
being interviewed by the ladies of the View. "Change the channel!
Change it! I give in! I'll talk! God! Can't take...
Argghghghghhgh!!!!!" Bicycle Repair Lad couldn't change the channel
himself as he was strapped securely to a bed.
And as if someone heard Bicycle Repair Lad's screaming, the channel
changed to a picture of the Beige Clock Tower.
"Tick. Tick. Tick," laughed Bicycle Repair Lad as tears started to run
from his eyes. "Tick. Tick. Tick."
Bicycle Repair Lad's bed started to shake.
===+++===
Irony Man looked at the huge 'Irony Man: The Movie' billboard. Someone
had painted the words, "The NTB Lives!" on it. Someone's idea of a sick
joke. At least he hoped it was. The last thing the LNH needed were
those satantic-druggy-anarchy freaks running around.
And then he noticed that the colors on the billboard were starting to
fade away. He could hear a ticking sound in his head. Where was the...?
And then everything started to shake. He could see various buildings
starting to crumble apart and people in the streets starting to panic.
He looked up into the sky. The color was wrong. It wasn't blue
anymore. It was Beige. It was too soon. It couldn't be happening
right now, could it?
Irony Man blasted the jets on his ankles and flew towards the Beige
Clock Tower. Out of the ground they were rising as the world that
surrounded them crumbled into dust. Two gigantic thrones. And sitting
on them two gigantic monsters.
The first monster had a body made out of human corpses. And its head
was made out of a cloud of flies and worms. Its eyes glowed red. One
of its hands held a blackened sword. Dekay.
The other monster was a pale white color. In the middle of its chest
was a gaping mouth, which had seven forked tongues each a different
color. It only had one eye on its head, and it was a very blood shot
eye. A number of spikes stabbed out of its head. Each spike had a
skull attached to it. One of its hands held a spiked club. Diskolor.
Irony Man watched as the gigantic thrones rose and rose. This was too
soon. The LNH wasn't ready for this -- not yet. Their eyes were shut.
Were they asleep? They were so big. They weren't this big the last
time, were they? He looked at the tower. The Beige Clock Tower's hands
were on Midnight.
Irony Man had to get out of this place. He had to be Toony Stork and
drown himself in a martini and some hot looking Hollywood starlet. He
couldn't watch this. He looked down at the innocent bystanders on the
ground. They were screaming for someone to help. Anyone. Irony Man
sighed and then took out his comm.thingee. "Multi-Tasking Man? Yeah.
Send medical teams and any superheroes good at rescue and removing
rubble. I'll be here."
Irony Man then landed himself and started to help the crowd.
===+++===
"Need help."
Occultism Kid looked back and saw that the grayish trenchcoated man was
still alive and talking.
"Damn. You're still... How? He took out your heart."
"Magic. Won't be for long though." The grayish man started to cough.
"Cigarette. Left pocket."
Occultism Kid pulled out a cigarette and put it in the old man's mouth.
With a snap of his finger, a flame lit the cigarette.
"Thanks. There still may be a way. Stop them. The Book."
"Yeah, I've got the book."
"There's a spell. The Spell of Spells. Need Insanity Gems. Ring of
Retconn. Cosmic Plot Device to perform it."
"Is that all?" said Occultism Kid in a sarcastic voice.
"Be careful. The book destroys. Destroys everything. Destroys..."
===+++===
1941 --
Glenn Miller's 'Chattanooga Choo Choo' played from a radio by the
corner. On the floor was an unconscious man in a black trenchcoat with
a grape crown on his head and an empty bottle of wine near him.
"Bacchus just can't hold his liquor," laughed a woman in a flapper type
get up. A woman in her forties called Queen Bee's Knees. "And you --
Philly, Darling -- you just make everything grey -- don't you?"
Phil M Norrish looked at Queen Bee's Knees and then at the glass of wine
he was holding. The grey wine he was drinking. "Just my calling," he
said sipping the wine.
"Quiet, people," said a man in a golden trenchcoat. "There's breaking
news!" The rest of the people in the room who were still conscious
gathered by the radio. "Hell. Japan bombed Hawaii. Christ. I guess
America will be going to war after all."
"You really know how to take the cat out of its pajamas, Goldy darling."
Queen Bee's Knees made her way to the kitchen. "Now where did we put
the absinthe?"
A man in a top hat sighed. "When are we going to arise from being
bloody savages beating on our war drums?"
"Not in this life time, Top Hat, dear." Queen Bee's Knees came back
with a bottle and poured herself a glass of absinthe.
"That might not be totally true," Phil M Norrish broke in. "I've been
doing some research on this book. A book that has spells so powerful
that they could change everything. Spells that could end war, disease,
famine, and everything that has ever troubled mankind. And I received a
tip from a source last week about this book being in Africa."
"Sounds like a fairytale," said the Golden Trenchcoat shaking his head.
"Maybe. But Hitler is searching for this book too. Anyway, I'm heading
off for Africa tomorrow. See if I can get it before the Nazis do. In
fact I should probably be going. Got a lot of packing to do."
"Oh no -- Philly? You're not leaving right now? We've hardly seen each
other. I thought you were going to be around for the week. There was
this new Greek Restaurant I was dying to try out. Oh pooh." Queen
Bee's Knees held out her cigarette holder with an unlit cigarette. "A
light, darling?"
Phil took out a grey match and helped light the cigarette. "Fraid so.
Sorry. Guess I should have mentioned earlier."
"Well, if you have to go -- you have to go. Be sure to get plenty of
shots. The jungle is filled with horrible nasty dreadful diseases, or
so I've heard." Queen Bee's Knees gave Phil a hug and a peck on the
cheek. "Hopefully the African Sun will put some color back in that
awful pale face of yours. Well, be sure to drop us a line when you get
back. Bonan Vojagon, darling -- and all that jazz."
"Yeah." Phil M Norrish put on his fedora. "See you in the funny papers
too."
As Phil M Norrish stepped outside and shut the door, he paused and
listened to the party that had resumed. The music and the drinking. He
had to go. He had to find the book. He could save everything. Even
himself.
He pulled his trenchcoat's lapels close together and reached into one of
his pockets for a cigarette. He put the cigarette in his mouth and
looked back.
And then he walked away.
===+++===
"Sir? Are you..." Occultism Kid shook the body of the grey
trenchcoated man. He was dead. The ticking had stopped. Occultism Kid
took the old man's fedora and put it over his face.
Occultism Kid looked up. Parts of the castle were starting to fall. He
had to get out of here. Clutching the book in his hands, he cast a
spell teleporting him into the sky.
From the sky he could see the black castle collapse to the ground. The
red sand was littered with the corpses of Turtles of Apocalyptic
Proportions. All of them were dead. No wait. He could hear a sound.
A wailing. One of them was still alive. It was a baby. A baby Turtle
of Apocalyptic Proportions? Why didn't Bart kill it?
Occultism Kid looked at the baby. What was he going to do? Hell.
There was only one thing he could do. A spell he cast scooped up the
baby Turtle of Apocalyptic Proportions. At least he could save
something today, he thought grunting as he dragged the incredibly heavy
baby and Book of Deus ex Machinas towards the crack in the sky.
And as the three left the dimension, what remained completely disappeared.
===+++===
1992 --
Golden Man looked outside. The beige was gone. The sky was blue again.
The trees were green. The birds were red. Someone must have saved
the world. Great for them. Golden Man shut the curtains.
Golden Man walked over to his chair and clicked on his television.
<<...Witnesses described it as a huge burst of color that swept over the
whole city. The 4-Color Kid..."
No. It wasn't him.
"...was a member of the LNH and also a member of the old superhero group
from the 40s called the Classic Squad."
No! He's alive! Tell me he's alive! Tell me!
And for another two hours Golden Man watched the coverage. He saw
everything. He saw it all.
"...It was the bravest thing I ever saw..."
You stupid lazy -- God. Goddamn. Get out of that chair. Get out of
it. Do something! Do something!
Golden Man got out of his chair. He walked over and picked up a
crumpled card. He looked at the card. He walked over to his phone. He
picked the phone up. He stood for more than a minute looking at the
card. And then he dialed the number on it.
"Hello? Is this the LNH?"
===+++===
To Be Continued in...
B E I G E
M I D N I G H T
# 1!
===+++===
Credits
Ideas for this series from Rob Rogers, Lalo Martins, Martin Phipps,
Saxon Brenton, and me...
And thanks to Dave for his sentence... :)
Occultism Kid II created by Josh Geurick
The August One (Occultism Kid I) -- August Paul Yang
Bacchus -- Looniverse version by Paul Hardy
Bad-Timing Boy - Vernon H Harmon
Bart the Dark Receptionist - Ken Schmidt
Bicycle Repair Lad -- Chris Ware
Brotherhood of Villains -- Drizzt and wReam
Cannon Fodder - wReam
Captain Backdate -- Hubert Bartels
Catalyst Lass - Elisabeth Riba
Classic Squad -- Drizzt
DC Comic Swiper Man - Jef Kolodziej
Dekay and Diskolor - Scavenger
Dr. Deadbeat -- Arthur Spitzer
Dvandom Stranger - Dave Van Domelen
Fearless Leader - Dave Van Domelen
4-Color Kid - Scavenger
Footnote Girl - Saxon Brenton
Fuzzy - Connie Hirsch
Golden Man -- Chris Hare
Golden Lord -- Drizzt
Hex Luthor - Chris Hare and Saxon Brenton
Irony Man - Doug Moran
Jellomancer -- Timonthy Toner
J. Random Kiwi - Jaelle
Kid Recap - Josh Geurink
Kirbybots - Jameel Al Khavitz
Kiwis - Ian Porell
Master Blaster - Robert Ramirez / Martin Phipps
Mr. Multitask - Drizzt
Mr. Nasty (tm) - Martin Phipps
Mr. Tiddles - Saxon Brenton
Multi-Tasking Man - Jeff Friedman
Oozlefinches - Ted "Arsenal " Brock
Pulls Paper Out of Hats Lad - Arthur Spitzer
Turtles of Apocalyptic Proportions - Tarq
Throbby the Talking Severed Heart - Arthur Spitzer
Ultimate Ninja - wReam
WikiBoy - Tom Russell
The Wireless Society of Heroes -- Dave Van Domelen (not that they
appeared. :))
You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad - Arthur Spitzer
Writer's Notes:
Well, that was an Orgy of Continuity Porn, wasn't it?
Will any besides Saxon Brenton understand anything here? Oh and if
you're a new reader this was probably the worst issue for new readers
you could have possibly read.
Anyway, the original plan was to have Beige Midnight finished by this
time and post the last issue today. But since I'm only human that
didn't happen. Maybe BM #12 will be ready for the 17th birthday of the
LNH. :)
This issue was me cramming a bunch of stuff in that I didn't really deal
with in the rest of the series.
As for the skipped issues... well hopefully by reading 12,11,7,6,5,1,
and 0 you can understand what's going on.
Rob Rogers will be writing 10-8 and posting it sometime in the future
(I've seen 10 which looks cool). As for 4-2, They're up for grabs.
Take them if you want. As for me I'm done here and have tons of writing
to do for Beige Midnight which isn't going to have any skipped issues.
Thanks for the feedback and reviews from people like Tom, Saxon, Tarq,
Lalo, and Martin.
I believe this got a lot more positive reviews than the DC series did.
I had a lot more to say about this issue, but I'm really tired so I'm
just going to post it.
===+++===
EXTRA BONUS -- Rejected Ending for Beige Countdown!
===+++===
Dekay and Diskolor sat on their enormous thrones. And then...
....The Butterflies came!
Billions of colorful butterflies swarmed in the air.
Both Dekay and Diskolor tried to swat the butterflies away. But they
were too much. And Dekay and Diskolor screamed a horrible scream as the
butterflies devoured them.
Too much.
Too much were the butterflies!
===+++===
Hex Luthor got out of his chair.
"Damn, where did that earthquake come from?"
But before Hex could find out...
....The Butterflies came!
They swarmed the Oval Office as Hex Luthor screamed for mercy.
But the Butterflies showed no mercy.
No.
No mercy did the butterflies show!
===+++===
Mynabird and the Legion of Net.Villains looked up at the sky.
Butterflies!
They began to run.
But the butterflies were faster.
"Tarantula!" screamed the Taratulas.
There was no hope.
===+++===
Bart the Dark Receptionist was about to read today's paper when...
....The Butterflies came!
Not even the Ring of Retconn and Insanity Gauntlet could save him.
Nothing could save him from...
The Butterflies!
===+++===
"Gosh Gollickers!" Billy the Butterfly Magic Kid said as his butterfly
friends fluttered around him. "That was neat how you killed and
absorbed all those bad guys powers! What? You're not finished!? More
people must die?! But who? The LNH?! All of them?! Gosh, I don't
know about that -- but heck -- if you say so! Let's kill them all!!"
And Billy the Butterfly Magic Kid started to cackle in an insane manner.
His costume started to change colors. No more were they the colors of
childhood innocence. No. They were now black -- Black like a really
evil person wearing black!
And his eyes and hands crackled with the color of Butterfly Magic!
It was time for the LNH to die.
===+++===
"Damn!" said Irony Man. "I told you people this was going to happen!"
===+++===
Meanwhile up in Heaven...
Dr. Cool J Dog reluctantly got out of God's gigantic super hot tub
filled with the hottest and finest naked supermodels and put on his
bathrobe. Dr. Cool J Dog sighed as he looked at Planet Earth. "Well,
Rockpettingboy, looks like me and you are going to have come back to
life so we can save the LNH's asses once again."
Rockpettingboy just looked at Dr. Cool J Dog as he held a beer in his
hand. Finally he said, "Heaven's out of beer." And then he drank
Heaven's last beer. He drank it till it was empty.
===+++===
Arthur "Can you guess why it was rejected?" Spitzer
