Yup, not a hoax, not a dream..the actual issue. All 3 stories
are new. Are they good is the question...
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Legion of Net.Heroes Comics Presents #12
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Concluding Tsar Chasm's second adventure versus the LNH!
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"They are where?! Doing what?!" Tsar Chasm's voice thundered above the
din of the machinery that was running at all times in the main room of his
headquarters.
Webster's voice sounded meek in reply, "I said Particle Man, Constellation,
and Sig.Lad are at the Gates of Limbo-"
Webs Tor cut in, "Well, they were. They are in Limbo now."
Webster gave Webs Tor a nasty glare, then looked back at Tsar Chasm,
"Ahem, they are in Limbo now, and it seems they are looking for Kid Anarky."
Tsar Chasm's hand crushed the styrofoam cup that held his icewater,
spraying the Webs with a fine mist of the cold liquid. "Do they realize what
they are looking for?!"
Webs Tor looked down at a chart, "Well, yeah boss. They are looking for
Kid Anarky."
Tsar Chasm took in a deep breath, and scratched his chin while he thought.
After a few moments, he spoke, "Prepare my armor and cape. I see I can not
stop them, so I best make sure those 'heros' do not cause any catastrophies
in their quest. I had hoped to keep Kid Anarky where he is currently..."
Tsar Chasm's voice trailed off, he sounded very tired.
After another deep breath he spoke again, "I need to make myself
presentable, considering the raw power I am about to face. Have my raiments
prepared within fifteen minutes." The Webs didn't question the word of
Tsar Chasm, they nodded and went off to do his bidding. Tsar Chasm found his
thoughts wandering back to the day he returned from LNHHQ after confronting
Ultimate Ninja with the 'Tsar Chasm action figure'...
*** *** *** ***
'In my contract as an LNH villain...part of the way things are done
here...' my thoughts dwelled upon the words Ultimate Ninja used to justify
that...thing known as the Tsar Chasm action figure. I'd show him, I'd
show those lawyer types,I'd show them all!! I sent Webster and Webs Tor to
the computer to download two new programs to help me in my latest quest.
This time, it was not for conquest. Oh no, this was for revenge! I was
going to make them all pay for the day they thought they could capture
my essence in eight inches of die molded plastic (plus accessories)!
"Webster, Webs Tor...report! What have you come up with?" I let my
impatience show in my voice. I could not let my future plans be interefered
with, but I could not let this travesty pass easily! My plan was simple,
fight fire with fire.
They strode into the room carrying a box that I couldn't see into, but
rattled slightly as they set it down on the table. I looked at Creator,
then to Marketer and said simply, and in a low voice, "What do you have
for me?"
Creator cleared his throat and glanced at Marketer who nodded to him.
Creator reached into the box and pulled out...
"This little beauty is the'Chatty Tsar Chasm' with 'Trulife Will-Destroying
Rant (tm)'." He held up a ten inch action figure that had a pull string that
was hidden under the cape in the back. He looked at me expectantly, I nodded
and waited. Creator pulled the string.
'Hey, haven't I seen your .sig on alt.fan.warlord?'
The room was silent for a moment, I hadn't moved. My eyes looked up at
Creator's with what I hoped was a disaproving look. He swalowed and cleared
his throat, "W-wait boss, there are better ones! Here, listen!"
'Get a life!'
"Webs Tor, give that to me..._now_"
"B-but boss, there ar-"
"NOW"
Before he could react, I snatched the pathetic attempt from his hands
and scowled at them, "What else do you have?"
Marketer dug through the box and pulled up a miniture version of myself,
except with very neatly styled hair, and an unacheivable tan colored skin.
"We like to call this the 'Malibu Tsar' model. We just position this little
guy next to those Beverly Hills' figures, and we're set! And imagine the
additions to the line! Webster and Webs Tor, your flunkies who cruise with
you and just hang out in your back seat! We could make the Tsarvette, a
convertable of course, the Tsar Dream home,the Tsar cook out set, the-"
"NEXT, please..." Again I snatched the figure from the hands of my
underling, and waited for Creator's next pitch.
He took a moment to dig through the box and pulled out a figure identical
to the first one I had seen, but where the ring was in the back, there was
a little lever, and one of the hands was opened up, fingers pointing straight,
the thumb bent over slightly. Instead of saying anything, Creator positioned
the figure near the box, and flicked his thumb over the lever. The arm flipped
up, then snapped back down on the side of the box with a loud 'THUMP'.
Creator seemed to be pleased with the result and smiled at me, "This is
Tsar Chasm with Kung-Fu Chop!"
His smile died quickly upon seeing my reaction, to be more specific,
my complete lack of one. "Uhm, boss? You didn't like this one?"
I just looked over at Marketer who used both hands to pull something
a bit larger than what I had been seeing from the box. It was...fuzzy.
"This is the Plush Tsar Chasm pillow, with sleepy buddies Webster and
Webs Tor. Uhm, see..." he held up one of the most cute and cuddly looking
things I had ever seen. And it was based on me. The pillow was about
twenty inches high and wide, and overstuffed. A patch of velcro on either
hand held even more cute and cuddly pillows of Webster and Webs Tor that
were maybe three inches by three inches. The whole thing was...disgustingly
adorable. Marketer took my silence as dissapproval again and set the
pillows down near me again. I just stared at them, almost in disbelief.
Creator didn't pause in his demonstration, pulling up another figure,
this one stood about twelve inches high,and had clothing that was the color
of my armor and cape, but looked more like a sweat suit. I barely noticed
what he was doing, only catching bits of his spiel.
"...Wet N Wild TC...suit under this armor...comes off quick and easy,
just a flip and a twist.." I was still looking at the Plush Tsar Chasm with
sleepy buddies pillow when something bounced into my lap. It was the
head of the figure Creator was trying to show to me. I glanced down, then
up at Creator who had the figure, now wearing only swim trunks, in one hand
and the gray sweatsuit looking armor in the other. The gimmick was supposed
to be a quick switch from net.conquest to beach wear with a simple flick
of the wrist. Seems not quite all the bugs had been worked from out
of this one.
"Gosh, sorry boss. It wasn't supposed to do that."
"Nevermind that! This...this is the one that we shall send to the
stores and malls! This is the product we will send forth!"
Creator and Marketer exchanged glances, then looked to me. Creator
spoke, "Uhm, boss? You think a plush pillow is the way to go?"
"Of course, think about it. Kids won't see me as a net.conquerer, but
as someone they can turn to when the need someone to depend on. This
is brilliant! Draw up the mass production schedules! Contact distrubotors!
We need to get this out in time for the Christmas shopping rush!"
"...unlike some issues..."
"What was that?!"
"Er...nothing. Really."
"As I was saying, I will become an icon for the current generation!
I will be a face they trust! I won't need to conquer the net, they shall
greet me with open arms!"
The alarm klaxon suddenly sounded the alert for...
"Intruder! Who got past our cloaking and other shields?! Who could
dare..?!"
"We do, of course," one voice replied from the shadows. A few identical
figures, attired in snappy suits stepped into the light.
"Lethal Lawyers?! What? But how? WHY?"
One of the identical figures stepped closer and produced some documents
and handed them over to me. "As it is quite clearly stated on page three
hundred thirty eight, subclause six, paragraph two, line one, what you are
doing clearly violates the agreement that was signed when you started in
on trying to conquer the Looniverse. Cease and desist in your activity
at this time."
I looked over the printing,then up at the lawyer, "What? There are RULES
to conquest?! What is this?!" At further inspection, I noticed that
the lawyers weren't identical as I had first thought, nor was the one I
speaking with THE Lethal Lawyer, just A lethal lawyer. Maybe they all
had the same make-up team? Hmm, something to ponder later, I supposed.
He replied without the slightest hint of emotion in his voice, "All
inhabitants of the Looniverse have certain terms they must comply with,
or loose their rights and privileges accorded them in this plane of existance.
It is very clearly outlined and detailed. However, it seems a review is in
order. Now, if you'll just flip to page one and..."
*** *** *** ***
Tsar Chasm shook his head to clear the memory of that day from it. The
lawyer droned on and on in a legalese jargon that quickly lost Tsar Chasm
and beffuddled the poor Translator who found interpreting the lawyer's
words to something that he could understand. Tsar Chasm's encounter with
the 'Secret Dvanders' helped his mood somewhat. He wasn't happy with what
they were doing, but the warning he placed in their minds was more important
to him. He felt something was about to happen, and the type of power
wielded by those he just spoke with (See Constellation #14 -K) could be
very handy in any upcoming struggle. With his new devices that transfered
the power of the Webs to his person, Tsar Chasm was to become a very
powerful individual. Hidden in his ears, the devices faciliated the
transfer of the Webs' powers to Tsar Chasm, but left the Webs comatose.
Should they awaken while he was employing one of their powers, he would
suddenly lose that power. If only he had the spare time. Time that was
eaten by his continuing scanning of the mysterious wave the sought to
reinstall the 'fourth wall' in the Looniverse. He would run some more
test as soon as he returned...
TO BE CONTINUED IN Legion of Net.Heroes Comics Presents #13
part I of 'Looniverse Adrift!'
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Final chapter of the Oddball LNH! (no, the other one)
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wReamhack finally found himself with a second to rest. He had returned
from the Pizza Pit an hour or so before, ran through some notes and kept
glancing at his watch. He had decided that a break was the thing to do and
he headed toward the cafeteria for the snack that his stomach's growling
demanded.
On his way down he stopped by the Slurpee machine and poured himself a
generous cup of a red cream soda Slurpee. With his thirst-quenching treasure,
he headed to the cafeteria, giving a brief, pleasant smile to the secretary.
Kyoko returned a smile briefly, then returned to her work as he vanished past
the swinging doors that divided the cafeteria from the rest of the area.
wReamhack casually tossed the manilla folder full of information he had
compiled on the Oddball LNH on the tabletop, then sat down to enjoy his
Slurpee. His eyes scanned over the folder as his hand reached out to open it
again. A startled gasp from the receptionist could be heard through the
doorway and a voice that sounded familiar, and a bit agitated, quickly
followed.
wReamhack glanced up and watched the doors swing open and a slightly
miffled California Kid enter, and a moment later, Kid G sauntered in carrying
a Slurpee. wReamhack watched them enter, his expression (and jaw) falling as
he did. California Kid's expression didn't immediately regiester to wReamhack,
and Kid G just looked mildly amused with his lips wrapped around his Slurpee
straw.
wReamhack finally broke the silence, sputtering, "Wh...what...WHAT ARE YOU
DOING BACK ALREADY?"
California Kid dropped into a chair, after spining it around, "Dude...if
you had ANY idea..."
wReamhack glanced at Kid G, "And where is everyone? Where is the Oddball
LNH?!"
Kid G let the Slurpee straw slip from between his lips which curved into a
small smile. "Oh, that's half the fun. You aren't going to believe this."
wReamhack looked back to Califonia Kid, "What's he mean?" wReamhack shook
his head, "Let's start from the top. What happened when you left the
restaurant?"
California Kid took a breath (which seemed to calm him), "OK, dude, well,
we all got into Kid G's Caddie. He started pumpin' this wild stuff. Spelling
Boy had a fit after the third song, it was gnarly-"
Kid G shrugged, "Das EFX, 'Dead Serious'."
California Kid nodded his head, "That's right, man. They want EFX. Uh,
anyway, hackdude, we were just cruisin' at about 100 feet in his Caddie,
bumpin' with some smooth music, following that deetectin' deevice you gave
us."
Kid G cut in, "We followed the signal to a shopping district. It was
after hours, so everything was closed. Very dark area at this time of night."
California Kid jumped back in, "Right, dude. Anyway, we found 'em. The
Oddball LNH. Uh, let's see..there was Ninja Dude, Shakey Guy, Smirking Chick,
Chillin' Dude..."
wReamhack shook his head at each name, "WHO?!"
Kid G shuffled through the open folder and pointed, "Here, Penultimate
Ninja, Kid Shiverly, Smirking Girl, Masta Rasta Man...all those you named
and one other. Particleboard Man, with his 'furniture buyers uncertainty'
field. Very distracting."
wReamhack decided not to ask anymore on the subject, "Did you find out what
they were up to when they crossed over into our Looniverse?"
Kid G took a long drink from his slurpee and nodded, "Yup, they are
looking for two others. Liable Lad and Cig.Lad. I don't think they were
up to anything intentionally harmful, not that they had much of a chance to
what with the Dvandom Stranger showing up and all." Kid G looked at his
Slurpee and sucked the straw back into his mouth and took another drink of it.
wReamhack was taking a slow draw on his straw as Kid G spoke, but
at the mention of the Dvandom Stranger caused wReamhack to choke. He dropped
the cup on the table and started wheezing as the cold refreshment caught
in his throat. After a few moments of sputtering, wReamhack managed to
hack out, "Th...the Dvandom Stranger?!"
"In all his shadowy glory, dude!" California Kid said in a jovial voice.
wReamhack shook his head, trying to clear it, "Wait...I got lost
somewhere. OK, you left from the Pizza Pit, followed the tracker, and ran
into the Oddball LNH...or what?"
California Kid nodded, "Yup, dude. That's how it went. Exactly like that.
Just what happened next was just way, way beyond anything else."
California Kid waited for wReamhack to ask a question before continuing
but saw that wReamhack was in no condition to ask anything and continued on.
"Anyway, the Stranger shows up and starts talking about something like
the 'Posted Rights of Reservation', and *poof* Cheesey and PKK are gone,
out, 5000."
wReamhack mouthed '5000' questioningly at Kid G who just shrugged, then
turned to California Kid, "Well, uhm, I guess that makes sense, they are
sorta reserved for Lettering.MaN and Ultimate Ninja stuff."
Kid G made a face, "Geez, getting stuck reserved for an issue of
Ultimate Ninja is like...like..."
wReamhack grinned as he looked over a Kid G, "Getting stuck in an
issue of LNHCP?"
Kid G's expression changed little as he tilted his head slightly to
one side, regarding wReamhack, "Something like that."
California Kid started up again, "After those two vanished, the Dvandom
Stranger said something about Tygger having some other role to fulfill and
*poof* Tygger's gone. Now this is where it gets weird on us..."
"Hold on just a second," interrupted wReamhack. "You mean to tell me
that after going to take on the Oddball counterparts to the LNH, have
half the team get teleported away by the Dvandom Stranger, and NOW it just
gets to the weird part?!"
California Kid grinned and nodded, "You bet! See, suddenly, the
Stranger tossed aside his trenchcoat, hat and staff and there was this
dude standing before us, totally buff, wearing only some spandex shorts.
He pulls some goofy looking martial art moves and ends up doing the splits
in mid-air. That got the Oddball guys all up in a tizzy. I turned to ask
Spelling Boy a question, but found he was gone too!"
"What about that guy in the shorts? Doing the kung-fu?"
"Oh, him. The Oddball guys started pointing up at him and started
shouting something, but I couldn't tell what it was."
Kid G finally spoke up again, "They were saying 'Look, it's the
Van Damme Stranger!' which I'm assuming is the Oddball counterpart to our
own Dvandom Stranger. Why he needed the disguise is anyone's guess. The only
thing he said to us was that the readings you had pertaining to the Looniverse
imploding should counterparts touch was inaccurate. He wouldn't say what
would happen, just that it wasn't so bad. He did mention something about
them being so popular that it would ruin potential crossovers, but didn't
get too specific."
wReamhack stared down at the tabletop and pondered bouncing his forehead
off the shiny surface, "So...everything is fine, everyone is where they are
supposed to be..." wReamhack paused to look up, California Kid nodded as
he stood and stretched, "Well, I'm gonna go catch the tube, later you two."
wReamhack sighed, "Well, I guess this puts me back down to having
just one headache..."
Kid G paused after he drank from his slurpee, "Ah, you mean with
Ultimate Ninja, right?"
wReamhack looked up quickly, "Wha..? How did...uhm, that is..."
Kid G smiled.
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A little piece from our own Occultism Kid!
RONN-KO
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He looked upward with reptilian eyes, and was temporarily blinded
by the intense blue light shining down. Still, he could sense their
smiling, perfect faces, and could sense them laughing at him.
To think that he, Ronn-Ko, could be brought down by such a pack of
righteous teenagers! What insolence! Well, he thought, let the League
of Net.Justice believe what they will; I will not be turned.
A brilliant flash of light flared forth from the ceiling, prompting
the room to silence. A shaft of pure, white light slowly descended from
high overhead, illuminating a single, white-robed figure. "Ronn-Ko,
the so-called Infomercial King, you stand accused of crimes too numerous
to mention. Let it be known that the Tribunal has found you guilty
of those charges levelled against you."
The assembled crowd started to murmur and whisper among themselves,
and the shaft of light illuminating Ronn-Ko, who was an apparent hybrid
of man and dinosaur, turned a terrible red.
Another flash of light quieted the room, and the robed figure continued.
"In its wisdom, the Tribunal offers you the chance to redeem yourself,
to cleanse your soul of the evil that infests it."
Ronn-Ko's reptilian flesh paled. "You don't mean...?"
"Ronn-Ko, you shall be exiled to the Dvandom Zone, sentenced to a
thousand years of perpetual angst."
"And if I refuse?"
"We shall execute you."
The choice was difficult, to be certain. A thousand years of anxiety
and self doubt versus death. No! He thought. I will not let these
cretins destroy me! Ronn-Ko raised his overlarge head to face the
robed sentencer. "I-I choose exile."
The robed woman nodded. "May the years purify you, Ronn-Ko." The
lights in the room intensified, none quite as bright as the shaft on
the convicted criminal, though. Brighter and brighter they shone...anyone
capable of looking directly at the shaft containing Ronn-Ko would've
witnessed light bending and swirling, creating colors never before imagined.
In a flash the light show was over, and Ronn-Ko was gone.
A few minutes later, a group of colorfully-clad teenagers approached
the robed woman. "Wow!" A girl with neon-blue, short hair exclaimed. "That
was great, Lady Justice! The ratings'll shoot through the roof!"
Lady Justice smiled shyly. "We couldn't have done without the League
of Net.Justice. The Tribunal owes you all a great deal." She then faced
the blue-haired youngster and grinned. "And you, Lighting Lass, I owe
more than anyone. That was the most fantastic light show I've ever seen!"
Lighting Lass shrugged, blushing. "Happy to help. And, thanks."
The other girl standing behind Lighting Lass nudged the masked man
next to her. "Come on, Fearo. Let's go get something to eat..."
Meanwhile, in the Dvandom Zone, Ronn-Ko's tyrannosoid form flashed
into existence with considerably fewer special effects than he went out
with. Confused, he turned in a circle and stared out at the barren
landscape. Already he could feel the guilt swelling up inside him...
"Ronn-Ko, the dreaded Infomercial King, I presume?"
Ronn spun to face the fellow who spoke up. Nothing. On a hunch, he
looked down and spotted the group of little men collected in front of him.
"Who...?"
The leader smiled, revealing long fangs in his tiny round mouth. "Your
fame has reached us, even here. In fact, we located you using the Ronn-Ko
Pocket Portable Person-Finder." The displaced villain flashed a toothy
grin at that. "In any case, we believe we can make you an offer you can't
refuse."
Fighting off the twangs of self-doubt, Ronn-Ko replied, "I am listening.
What could you possibly offer me, who is doomed to a thousand years in
this hell?"
The little green man laughed. "I can see the Dvandom Zone has already
begun its work. No, Ronn-Ko. You are not trapped here. We can offer
you a way out."
The Infomercial King opened his eyes wide. "Nothing is free."
"No. You would have to continue in your old ways, but share the
profits with us."
"You? Don't make me laugh! What could you want with money?"
The leader crinkled his nose. "We are gnomes. Money is our life."
Ronn-Ko smiled again. "In that case, my little friends, I think we
can make a deal."
The whole group started walking off into the distance. The leader,
his voice fading with distance, said "One hitch, though...we're sending
you into your past...."
*** *** ***
---Ken
little note: The Oddball LNH story occured as it did because...well, I juts
plain forgot almost every gag I had in mind when I made up the names...ack.
