LNH Comics Presents: It's All In The Timing, Part Three.
The Continuing MisAdventures of Bad-Timing Boy.
"If at first you don't succeed... you're running about average."
*-*
Bad-Timing Boy groaned and rubbed at his eyes, he sat slowly up and gazed
around. The walls of the medical bay greeted him, their whiteness stark,
blazing into his eyeballs like the sun after a night of drinking, glowing
like angels wings and... oh sorry, too much D.H. Lawrence.
Anyways, he woke up.
"Oh man, what hit me?"
"A very scantily clad woman, honestly, you get all the luck." said a
familiar voice.
"Cheesecake Eater Lad?" Bad-Timing Boy sat up abruptly.
"Whoa there, careful, you just missed hitting your head on that light." said
Cheesecake Eater Lad, adjusting said light.
"What time is it?" asked B-TB.
"Just after 12 noon, you ready for some lunch?" asked the master of
cheesecake confections.
"Ummm, well yeah. But shouldn't I go and see UN first? He probably wants to
talk to me about what happened. And if _he_ doesn't, _I_ do." An expression
of determination spread across B-TB's face.
"Okay, just wait till Kid Kirby and Doctor Stomper finish going over your
tests."
"Tests? What for?"
Cheesecake Eater Lad explained that the duo wanted to check on the strange
power fluctuations that the Peril Room had recorded during B-TB's fight with
Good-Timing Girl. [Last issue -J] Doctor Stomper walked in partway through
this explanation and waited till C-E Lad had finished.
"Now that you've been filled in, I'm here to report that the power
fluctuations seem to have had no effect."
"Seemed?" B-TB asked.
Doctor Stomper coughed nervously, "Well, we can't depend completely on the
Peril Room's records since it's been having all those problems lately [LNHCP
#25, Guitar Man #3, various other places -J] but you look okay, and there's
nothing physically wrong with you, so..." his voice trailed off and he spread
his hands and shrugged.
"Okay, I gotcha." Bad-Timing Boy pushed the blankets back and stood up,
"I better go and see Ultimate Ninja now."
"I'll come with you," said Doctor Stomper, "I need to drop off these results
anyway."
"Okay." The trio set off down the hallway, deviating slightly to go by
reception to check for phone messages.
Bad-Timing Boy stood there in thought, waiting for the fax for Doctor
Stomper to finish. His mind wandered idly. Had it really only been 2 hours
since he'd been attacked by the person calling herself Good-Timing Girl. It
seemed like an age. Why, he could barely remember colliding with Fuzzy that
morning and ... damn!
"Damn! I don't believe I forgot all about it!" he yelled, slapping his head
with his hand.
"What?" asked Doctor Stomper.
"Oh... I made a mess earlier and trashed Bandwagon Chick's birthday cake
that Fuzzy was taking. I was going to get a cheesecake or something for her
later but with the attack and all I forgot all about it! She's probably
going to hate me for the rest of my life now." Bad-Timing Boy sank to the
floor in an aspect of gloom.
Doctor Stomper and Cheesecake Eater Lad were trying to comfort him when a
courier wandered in the door.
Lester, who was on reception, looked up. "Yes, can I help you?"
"Yeah, I got a package of comics here. Delivered to a Mr Lost-Cause Boy."
said the courier.
The heros looked blank, "I'm sorry, he's been dead for months." said Doctor
Stomper eventually.
"Aw shucks, well what the heck am I going to do with this package?" asked
the courier.
Bad-Timing Boy shrugged, "I'll take it if you don't want it." he said.
"Fine, I don't really care. There's a bill for delivery yet to be paid."
snapped the courier.
B-TB fished some money out of his costume and took the box. "Oh well, at
least I've got something for Bandwagon Chick's birthday." he said.
The three heros continued along their way. They arrived at Bandwagon Chick's
door. Bad-Timing Boy took a deep breath and knocked on the door. It was
yanked open almost immediately. B-TB gulped, it seemed he had interrupted
while the party was in full swing.
"Bad-Timing Boy!" exploded Fuzzy, "This is a girl's only party!"
"Uh.. uh.. present." he stammered.
Bandwagon Chick walked over to the door, "Oh neat." She opened the box,
"Cool! Comics... what _is_ this? Darkhawk? Sleepwalker? Anima? The Ray?" As
each title sounded out Bad-Timing Boy flinched, I should have known better
than to give her comics slated for Lost-Cause Boy he thought to himself.
"Every issue of anything with Cloak and Dagger in? Bad-Timing Boy.." Now I'm
gonna get it, he thought to himself...
"These are _wonderful_. They're the best present I've ever had!" Bandwagon
Chick gave him a huge hug, "I've never even heard of these comics. And they
look _really_ cool, I'm going to collect _all_ of the back issues!" She
turned to show the other females, who were all trying not to look horrified,
her present. B-TB could see Catalyst Lass, aLLiterative Lass, and many of the
others.
"Uh, I'm glad you liked it." said Bad-Timing Boy, but he went unheard. He
backed slowly towards the open door and the corridor - where Cheesecake
Eater Lad was handing Fuzzy a birthday cheesecake for Bandwagon Chick. B-TB
stumbled and crashed into Doctor Stomper. "Ooof." He looked up to find Fuzzy
staring down at him. Uh oh.
"Fuzzy, look I'm really really really really sorry that I collided with you
earlier and ruined Bandwagon Chick's cake and I'm just sooooo sorry please
don't kill me."
Fuzzy laughed and held out a hand, B-TB took it and she pulled him easily to
his feet, "S'okay, I forgive you now. I couldn't possibly stay mad at
someone _that_ scared." She began to shut the door and then stopped, "By the
way, has anybody ever told you that you look really cute when you're begging
for your life?"
"Uh." There was a click as the door closed behind him.
"Phew." Bad-Timing Boy slumped against the wall. "Let's go see Ultimate Ninja
before my heart gives out."
***
"... and then I woke up in the med bay." finished Bad-Timing Boy.
He'd just been filling Ultimate Ninja in on the occurences of the morning.
"Peculiar." said the master Ninja. "And worrying, this girl was trying her
hardest to kill you. It would be prudent to take some... precautions.
Cheesecake Eater Lad, I'm assigning you to watch Bad-Timing Boy in case this
Good-Timing Girl returns."
"You got it UN." said Cheesecake Eater Lad.
The duo left Doctor Stomper behind explaining the readouts.
"You know, you don't _have_ to watch me." Bad-Timing Boy said, "I mean, if
you've got better things to do - I can always go and hang out with the guys
in Gen Y if it's too much trouble."
"No no that's okay." said Cheesecake Eater Lad, "Now how about that lunch -
what do you fancy?"
Bad-Timing Boy thought for a moment, "You're not going to believe this, but
I have this almost uncanny craving for Peking Duck cheesecake."
"That's amazing!" exclaimed C-E Lad, "I never thought of that recipe before.
I'll whip us up some."
And, although generations to come were to curse them for creating such a
thing, they did.
***
"What _I_ don't understand is how she said that I was destroying her people.
I've never even heard of the Valhallies." B-TB mused, recalling the words of
the strange attacker.
"Maybe Occultism Kid would know about them?" suggested Cheesecake Eater Lad.
"I guess it's worth a try."
Exiting the cafeteria, Bad-Timing Boy managed to stop himself just before he
stepped on Kid Citrus and Confetti Girl. "Hey guys, how are you?"
They glared at him and he remembered how he'd gotten them confused earlier.
"Uh, about before.."
"Hey you two," said Cheesecake Eater Lad coming up behind him, "I've been
looking all over for you Kid Citrus - I've had this great new idea for a
cheesecake and I need your help - I call it Citrus and Milk Cheesecake!" The
expression on the two young sidekick's face was too horrible to describe,
probably as horrible as that cheesecake would have tasted.
"I've got a base for it now and I wondered if you'd taste it to see if you
like it." CE Lad waved a cheesecake at the duo. They backed away.
Bad-Timing Boy squinted at the main desk, "Hey look Cheesy! It's Oscar
Wilde!" he yelled, pointing.
"Where?" Cheesecake Eater Lad turned to look and Kid Citrus and Confetti
Girl fled, turning grateful smiles on Bad-Timing Boy as they ran.
"Strange, I could have sworn I saw him there, and, rats. Now the kids have
taken off." said Bad-Timing Boy.
"Oh well," said Cheesecake Eater Lad, "Heard the latest about Squeaky Clean
and Mouse?"
"Nooooooo." said Bad-Timing Boy, "You're kidding. Squeaky?" He grinned evilly.
[A shapechanger in the form of Mouse was found asleep outside Squeaky Clean's
room in Fan.Boy #3 -J].
"Yeah, and ..."
Suddenly, a girl sprinted down the corridor, spotting Bad-Timing Boy she
screeched and threw herself at him.
"What the...?" said Bad-Timing Boy as he grabbed hold of the girl and neatly
threw her. "It can't be?"
"Yes it is, it is I! Good-Timing Girl!" said Good-Timing Girl defiantly,
just as Ultimate Ninja and Ordinary Lady entered the corridor.
"Get her!" yelled Cheesecake Eater Lad.
Ordinary Lady jumped in faster than anyone else, "I've been looking forward
to a re-match!" she yelled. Good-Timing Girl tried to parry her blows but she
was just moving too fast. It didn't help that Ultimate Ninja was aiming
blows at her from her blindside. She managed to keep the two magnificent
fighters off her for all of about 15 seconds before collapsing.
"Well, that was invigorating." said Ordinary Lady happily, brushing her hair
out of her eyes.
"Yes, but now I feel it is time for some questions to be answered." said
Bad-Timing Boy, "Namely, why is she trying to kill me."
Good-Timing Girl looked up at him. It wasn't surprising that they hadn't
recognised her at first, she looked awful. She was covered in mud and other
gunk, her make-up was smeared and her costume was probably ripped (it was
difficult to tell).
"I... I _have_ to - you're.."
"I know, endangering your people," Bad-Timing Boy knelt beside her, "Perhaps
you should start by telling us who they are."
Good-Timing Girl looked at the LNHers, "Alright."
to be continued...
Next issue: Explanations.
Bad-Timing Boy, Fuzzy, Doctor Stomper and Cheesecake Eater Lad are Public
Domain.
Ultimate Ninja and Ordinary Lady belong to wReam.
Bandwagon Chick's appearance thanks to Sue Clark.
Kid Citrus and Confetti Girl appear via Mike Escutia.
The Back-Up Story (which is longer than the main story - argh!)
The Gang's All Here - Bandwagon Chick's Birthday Party
(and you thought it was just a plot device :-)
"Ohhh, that Bad-Timing Boy, he makes me so MAD!" Fuzzy paced angrily across
Bandwagon Chick's room.
"It wasn't really his fault Fuzzy, it could have happened to anyone." said
Bandwagon Chick quietly.
Fuzzy looked at her, "Okay, I will accept that anyone could have tripped and
crashed into me and smushed the cake... (LNHCP #26!) but very few people
would then procede to rival Unperceptive Lad in the dumb question
sweepstakes! 'What's the cake - gee, what's this card?' Aaaargh!" She
thumped the wall. The person on the other side of the wall thumped back.
Fuzzy thumped the wall twice. The person on the other side thumped twice.
Fuzzy thumped three times... there was a knock at the door. Fuzzy swung it
open,
"What?" she snarled.
"Oh, it's you Fuzzy." said the person who's room was on the other side of
Bandwagon Chick's, "I was wondering who I knew among the LNHers who
absolutely positively always had to have the last word."
"Or in this case, the last thump." said Bandwagon Chick.
"Quite so, but know ye that All-Knowing-Last-Chance-Whiner-Destiny Woman
will always have the last word!" proclaimed All-Knowing...Woman. "And in this
case the word is, have a nice birthday!" she handed Bandwagon Chick a cd.
"The Banshees Wail..." read Bandwagon Chick, "Never heard of them."
"I shouldn't think so, they've only just entered the charts," said Fuzzy,
"They're really popular right now."
"Oh, they don't sound very good," said BC, chucking the cd onto her bed,
"So, when does the surprise party start?"
Fuzzy suddenly smiled, "Well, we better let the others know you know. They'll
be in my room." The two heroines left.
***
"That's funny how they weren't there." said Bandwagon Chick as they returned
to her room. "I wonder where they..."
"SURPRISE!" yelled the net.heroines as she opened her door.
"Oh wow, how did you know?" Bandwagon Chick gasped.
"All-Knowing-Last-Chance-Whiner-Destiny Woman tipped us off to the fact that
you knew." said New Look Lass, "So we decided to start the party a little
early."
"But how did you know it was my birthday?" asked BC, overwhelmed.
"Well, Kyoko here," said Ordinary Lady, gesturing to Kyoko, "Looked up your
file and found your birthday listed, and gee it was today and so we decided
to celebrate."
"Kyoko? I don't remember an LNHer named Kyoko." said Bandwagon Chick.
Kyoko waved from where she was standing over by Linguistic Lass, "Konichiwa
Bandwagon Chick, I'm not an LNHer, I'm one of the receptionists."
"Which one?"
"One that doesn't get used very often, I've been on holiday - went back home
to Japan. Fred's been taking over my shifts for me. In fact, he's
filling in for me now. Normally I'm on 6 till midnight." said Kyoko,
refilling her glass and handing one to Bandwagon Chick.
"What's this?"
"Snapple."
"Cool."
Sister State-The-Obvious cleared her throat, "Bandwagon Chick is here, with
a drink."
"Yup, so now that the big hand is pointing to the 12, and the small hand is
pointing to the 7, I guess that means it's time for the speech!" said Token
Girl.
"Have you been hanging around Sarcastic Lad?" asked Linguistic Lass.
"Ahem!" said Catalyst Lass, holding her glass high, "I'd like to take this
opportunity to say that we all wish you a very happy *mumbleth*" The
assembled heros laughed, "birthday, and look forward to many more!"
"Hear hear!"
The assembled heroines took a breath and began to sing, Bandwagon Chick
could see all of her friends - Cat, Fuzzy, New Look Lass, Token Girl,
Ordinary Lady, Sister State-The-Obvious, Organic Lass, Linguistic Lass,
Kyoko, Hooded Ho'od Win...
"HappY birthdaY to You,
HappY birthdaY to You,
HappY birthdaY dear Bandwagon Chick,
HappY birhtdaY to You."
... and of course Sing-Along Lass and aLLiterative Lass.
***
The party progressed (as parties do)
"Boy, this is a great party... but who invited all the sheep?" asked Token
Girl.
"What've you been putting in your snapple?" asked Linguist Lass.
"Wow, this brings back some cool memories," said New Look Lass, "Remember
during the Flame Wars II, when I had that cool new outfit. Not too
sophisticated but just classy enough to put everyone else to shame..."
<Oh yeah? Remember when I got Ultimate Ninja to fight Super Apathy Lad?>
asked Hooded Ho'od Win, <I thought I'd die laughing.> [It happened during the
Great Public Domain Caper -J]
"_I_ remember when Weirdness Girl joined." slurred Kyoko.
"So do I." pointed out Fuzzy, "It only happened last night."
"Oh yeah..." [Check it out in Misfits #1, a great new title -J the well-read
:-)]
"Well _I_ remember the good ol' days, when Parking Karma Kid was falling
over himself in his jealousy over Bandwagon Chick's amour propre for Hamster
Man." said Sister State-The-Obvious.
There was a gap in the party whilst everyone digested this.
"That's kinda... cutesie..." said Catalyst Lass.
"But sweet." said New Look Lass hurriedly. "What happened to that romance
anyway?" [Don't ask me, I don't know. -J]
"People just forgot about it I guess." said Fuzzy.
"People change, drift away..." said Token Girl, "Like Panta. I wish she was
here. I remember..." Her eyes glazed over (not from the drink, but from
reminiscence).
"Hey, hey! No flashbacks now, I'm still trying to stand up straight." said
Kyoko, putting aside her snapple.
The party went silent as the various female heros mopped at their eyes.
Suddenly there was a knock at the window.
"I'll get it," chorused several heroines, heading for the door.
I said there was a knock at the _window_.
"Oh, I Wonder Who that could be." said aLLiterative Lass.
"Only one way to find out," said Bandwagon Chick. Moving over to the window,
she opened it...
"I wouldn't do that if I were you." said
All-Knowing-Last-Chance-Whiner-Destiny Woman.
... and was thrown back by an energy blast. Crashing into Catalyst Lass and
Token Girl Bandwagon Chick raised her eyes to meet the blazing eyelights from
the helmet of..... some villain that nobody had ever seen before.
"Who the heck are you?" asked Ordinary Lady, striking a ninja pose.
The villain laughed maniacally (and robotically), "I am... MECHA MAN!"
"Ummmmmm..." Kyoko hid under the table.
"And why are you attacking us..." continued Ordinary Lady.
"Ahahahahaha... know ye not what ye face?" boomed the armour-suited villain.
"Know we do not!" replied Fuzzy, "And quite frankly, we don't care either.
This party is for _females_ only!"
"He _is_ a villain though." said Sister State-The-Obvious, "He's supposed to
do evil things like that."
"Oh yeah."
"So what's your reason for crashing the gig?" asked Token Girl, "The
bouncers too much for you at Club Evil?"
"Revenge!" said MECHA Man.
Bandwagon Chick stood up and walked over to MECHA Man. She pushed him.
"Listen bozo, it's my birthday, and this is the first time I've appeared in a
story in a long time, and you're not going to ruin it!"
"Ha! Your puny words mean nothing to me. I have come to avenge the
disgraceful defeat of my 3rd cousin twice removed, Manga Man!" [Flashback to
Girls Night Out, available on ftp from K-Tel -J] With that, MECHA Man sprung
(sproinged?) to the attack. With a howl of "IZZZZZZUUUUKEEEIII!!!" twin
whirling blades sprung out from his arms, buzzing furiously towards
Bandwagon Chick. Only Ordinary Lady's Photographic Reflexes (tm) enabled her
to grab her out of the way before she became Bandwagon Chips.
"You fiend!" yelled Fuzzy, "You'll pay for that!" She rushed to the attack,
Token Girl right behind her. Moments later they were both thrown against the
wall, crumpling to a moaning groaning heap.
"We cannot stop him by physical force!" cried All-Knowing etc... "Only the
powers of absurdity can help us now!
<Very well then> said the Hooded Ho'od Win, <I wonder now, who would win...
MECHA Man...> MECHA Man posed smugly, <Or a song-and-dance number... hit it
girls!>
Poppy music began to play in the background. New Look Lass threw some
clothes at Bandwagon Chick, who pulled them on over her costume and twirling
to confront MECHA Man, began to sing.
"Nobody knows, where my Hamster Man has gone,
But Parking-Karma Kid left at the same time,
Why are they both ignoring me,
When they're supposed to be mine?"
aLLiterative Lass, Sing-Along Lass and Catalyst Lass (three lovely
lassies... sorry :-) concentrated all their powers and everyone began to
groove to the music in their new 50s costumes (courtesy of New Look Lass):
"It'S her party and She'll cry if She wantS to,
Cry if She wantS to, cry if She wantS to,
You would cry too if it happened to you."
While they sang and danced Linguistic Lass was translating the words into
French, Japanese and Spanish, Fuzzy was concentrating all her powers of
ambiguity onto MECHA Man, and Sister State-The-Obvious was emphasizing the
'it's her party' lines. Token Girl and Ordinary Lady bopped up and down on
the table and even Kyoko was joining in on the choruses underneath it.
"Second verse!" yelled Fuzzy.
Bandwagon Chick grooved onto the table and grabbed the microphone there.
The karaoke machine in the corner kicked in... :-)
"Play all my CDs, keep dancing all night,
But leave me alone for a while,
Till I'm guest-starring more often,
I've got no reason to smile!"
"Chorus!" yelled Kyoko.
Abandoning the aLLiteratives, the heroines launched into the chorus,
"It's her party!" sang Sister State-The-Obvious
"And she'll die if she wants to!" sang All-Knowing... Woman.
"_Cry_ if she wants to!" yelled New Look Lass.
"Sigh if she wants to." suggested Catalyst Lass.
"You would sigh/cry/die/buy/fly/lie too if it happened to you!" they all sang.
Bandwagon Chick was beginning to look a bit worried but started the third and
final verse anyway:
"MECHA Man just flew through my window,
Like a rock from Stonehenge,
Oh my what a birthday surprise,
He is here for revenge!"
The other heros came out of their huddle and did the twist whilst singing the
last chorus:
"It's her party and she'll kick you in the head if she wants to,
Beat the crud out of you if she wants to,
Arrest you if she wants to,
You would fight too if it happened to you!"
"You would fight too if it happened to you!" they all joined in for the last
line.
"Yay! That was fun!" said Bandwagon Chick.
"Argh!" MECHA Man was cradling his head and swaying back and forth.
<I'm impressed> said Hooded Ho'od Win, <He's still standing.>
"Huh, that MECHA suit must be more powerful than it looks." said Fuzzy.
"Funny, it doesn't look that powerful." said Ordinary Lady.
"I think it looks _fabulous_" enthused Bandwagon Chick, "MECHA is sooooo
cool."
There was a pause.
"No." said MECHA Man, "If you think something is cool, then it means that
you're jumping on the bandwagon after it's popular. That means that MECHA's
no longer popular. ARGH!!!!!" Straightening up MECHA Man ripped off his
armour furiously, standing revealed as a rather short young man with a bad
complexion, wearing a Star Drek uniform.
"Ha! Typical!" said Token Girl, "I always attract the weirdos!"
"Yeah, inside every popular figure is a drooling fanboy." said Sister
State-The-Obvious.
"Where?" asked Fuzzy, "I've gotta bone to pick with him after that fight
with Writers Block Woman." [WBW #17 -J]
"Not _that_ Fan.boy." said Linguist Lass.
"You may have finished me now! But my other 3rd cousin twice removed, Anime
Man, will get you all!" yelled the former MECHA Man as Ordinary Lady and
Catalyst Lass grabbed him and hustled him out to the bandwagon for later
delivery to the Net.ropolis Police Station.
The heroines groaned and Linguistic Lass looked at Kyoko, "Better find out
who's birthday is next." she advised.
"Hmmmm, maybe I should just 'lose' those files." said Kyoko.
"Sounds like a concept." said Sing-Along Lass.
There was a knock at the door.
"I Wonder Who that could be." said aLLiterative Lass.
"I know." said All-Knowing...Woman. They all glared at her but she just
smirked.
Token Girl opened the door and was confronted by a being in a blaze of light.
"Who's there?!" yelled New Look Lass, shielding her eyes from the light.
Linguist Lass, who was still feeling the effects of the Snapple, was cursing
inventively in Russian.
"I have travelled for a great time! Across time and net.space. Through the
continuity barrier and past the fourth wall! To bring a message to one among
you!" proclaimed the being at the door.
"And that message is?" prompted Token Girl.
The figure paused, raised a finger and pointed it at Bandwagon Chick... BC
trembled and the other heros held their breath in awe...
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"
Suddenly the light went out and stepping forward was a familiar face...
"VAMMO WOMAN?" yelled everyone.
"But aren't you the Rac.Celestial Madonna these days?" asked Catalyst Lass.
"Well yeah, but the other celestials throw lousy parties. I mean, if I have
to listen to 'It's My Party and I'll Cry If I Want To', _one_ more time..."
The Rac.Celestial Madonna seemed somewhat surprised when everyone collapsed
into laughter at this point.
The End.
***
The Guest List:
Kyoko, Fuzzy and Catalyst Lass are all Public Domain!
aLLiterative Lass and New Look Lass belong to Charles Fitzgerald.
Hooded Ho'od Win, All-Knowing...Woman, Sister State-The Obvious and VAMMO
Woman appeared courtesy of wReam records.
Ordinary Lady and Linguist Lass swung in via Martin.
Sing-Along Lass belonhs to Jumping Jess McCoskey (and I'll get on to the xover
soon - I swear!)
Token Girl is the WC of Tara, who never got back to me about her appearance in
this issue, but hopefully she won't mind.
And of course the guest of honour, Bandwagon Chick, is the WC of Sue Clark, all
characters used with permission with the exception of Token Girl - sorry!
Jaelle (argh!)
