LNH Comics Presents: It's All In The Timing Part Four.
The Continuing MisAdventures of Bad-Timing-Boy.
"If at first you don't succeed, give up! There's no use making a damn fool of
yourself." - ?
*-*
Good-Timing Girl took a gulp from the coffee Cheesecake-Eater Lad offered
her and pushed her fringe out of her face. She looked around at the gathered
LNHers. B-TB, C-ELad, Ultimate Ninja, Ordinary Lady and Doctor Stomper
ringed her chair, all waiting for her reasons for trying to kill Bad-Timing
Boy.
"I... I don't know where to start." she said huskily.
"Try at the beginning." snapped Ordinary Lady.
G-TG gave her an evil look, "Well sure, in the beginning there was the
light, it spread throughout the nothing and it..."
"Enough!" interrupted Ultimate Ninja, "We wish to hear an explanation for
your actions." He paused. "Now."
Good-Timing Girl stared at the floor, then began her flashback explanation:
The scene is of a huge, light-filled domain... Otherwordly inscriptions are
carved on huge stone pillars that tower above. Strange yet beautiful flowers
and other types of plant grow everywhere. There seems to be no sky. And above
all of this floats the hall of the Sorcerix, where only the purest of the
Valhallies may enter.
All in all, it's pretty damn impressive.
Good-Timing Girl's voice floats over the scenes of happy people playing
volleyball on a scenic clifftop.
"I come from as world as yet unknown to you, the world of Valhal, which
means light in our language. My people are a peaceful people, we spend all
our time in contemplation of higher concepts, or playing games, or.. uh..
yeah, well."
One of the volleyball players lunges for the ball and misses, accidentally
falling off the cliff in the process. Play halts until the faller floats
back up into view, laughing heartily.
"Anyway, about 5 months ago, our world became the victim of strange
happenings..."
Dark clouds gather out of nowhere, people look around in apprehension.
"At first we shrugged it off, thought that it was just a minor accident
someplace."
The volleyball players resume their game.
"But then all of a sudden, the occurences got worse, our world was being
rent apart!"
The volleyball players shriek as earthquakes rattle the cliff that they're
standing on, the ground shudders and forces itself apart. Screams are heard
as the players frantically teleport or fly to safety, some carrying others.
Children playing near them run screaming and are nearly crushed by falling
rock, and are only just saved by two of the flyers sweeping them up in the
volleyball net.
"Our greatest minds got together to analyse the problem."
Cut to... an empty room.
"Well okay, the Sorcerix, who is _probably_ our greatest mind, decided to
find out what was going on."
A woman walks into the room and sits down at a computer terminal. She taps.
The perspective focuses on the clock on the wall. It's a grandfather clock.
The hands spin round and round and round and round and round and [Cut it
out! You're making me dizzy!] round until the stresses cause them to fly
off, narrowly missing the entering Good-Timing Girl.
"I was called in to meet with the Sorcerix only last week. My brother was
there too, he is our greatest mind."
***
In the Sorcerix's chambers:
Good-Timing Girl entered timidly. She bowed instantly before her leaders.
"Sorcerix. Brother." The two other figures in the room acknowledge her. The
Sorcerix steps forward, she is a tall woman with an aristocratic nose and
piercing blue eyes. She is also more fully dressed than anyone else in this
land that you've seen so far. There was a good reason why I didn't describe
the volleyball players in more detail. :-)
"I have identified the source of our troubles Good-Timing Girl... and I am
sending _you_ to stop them. The fate of our world lies in your hands." The
Sorcerix walked towards a closet and opened the door. Within it, gleaming,
is the heartsword. She ceremoniously hands it to Good-Timing Girl.
"I am entrusting you with this heartsword. Wear it well. Destroy our
destroyer, and all the lives in this realm will be owed to you."
"Thank you Sorcerix," G-TG said, clasping the sword. "But who is it I must
destroy."
"The accursed one is..."
***
"ME?!" yelped Bad-Timing Boy.
Good-Timing Girl nodded.
"Aw come _on_. This has to be some kind of joke. The only person I've ever
been a threat to has been _me_. Or possibly anyone who might encounter me
and die laughing. This is crazy!"
B-TB stood up and stormed over to the door. He stopped just by it and leant
against the doorjamb. "How could I possibly be hurting you people anyway?"
"Your powers..." G-TG started.
"What about them?" interupted B-TB.
She sighed and fluffed her hair a bit, "We figured that the effects of your
bad timing powers were reaching our home. Valhal is a place of peace, and
order. Your chaotic causing powers are the antithesis of all we've ever
known! And then with our experience earlier with the heartsword..." the
words trailed off. And she put her head in her hands.
Everyone looked away.
Bad-Timing Boy sighed and moved over to her.
"Look, I'm not too keen on this getting killed business. Perhaps there's some
other way I could help, I mean. I'm not in favour of harming you people
either."
Good-Timing Girl looked up at him, "You mean it? You really really mean it?"
She clasped his arm, "That would be _wonderful_." Then suddenly she released
his arm, "But what's the use? We couldn't get back anyway."
"Huh?" said everyone.
"I'm sorry, you just went a little too fast for the rest of us." said
Cheesecake-Eater Lad.
"Oh... the best thing would be if I took Bad-Timing Boy back _with_ me...
only my powers are kind of stuffed at the moment."
"Hold on, time out!" yelled Ordinary Lady, "What makes you think we'd _let_
B-TB go with you, I mean, you tried to kill him for crying out loud."
"But... but... it's the only way. And I _wouldn't_ kill him _now_."
"Oh, I feel _so_ reassured." said Ordinary Lady sarcastically.
"What was that about your powers?" asked Doctor Stomper at the same time.
Good-Timing Girl shrugged, "After that fight with Bad-Timing Boy, I tried to
teleport away, back home. But it didn't work and I wound up in a swamp. Then
I tried to teleport again and wound up in the middle of a freeway just as
these two women blew up a truck. One of them asked me of I wanted a ride
somewhere and I said 'Not looking like _this_ I'm not... and then tried to
teleport again and..." she trailed off. "It just kept getting worse."
"Hmmmm..." said Doctor Stomper meaningfully, "Ultimate Ninja, could I have a
word with you?" The two men moved off and spoke quietly to one another and
then returned.
"Good-Timing Girl... does the heartsword have any 'special' qualities?"
Doctor Stomper asked.
"Well yes, it's linked to us and our powers. Whoever has one can use it to
enhance their powers."
"Mmmhmm, then I think I have the answer to your problems..."
***
"Do you really think this will work?" asked Bad-Timing Boy. He was once more
facing Good-Timing Girl in the peril room.
"It's got a fairly good chance of succeeding." said Doctor Stomper from the
control room. "It seems likely that during your struggle you managed to
somehow swap powers, perhaps you might be able to switch them back."
"But without the heartsword, how is that possible?" asked G-TG.
"Do you want me to explain? Or would you rather get this over with before
dinnertime?"
"Ready whenever you are." they chorused.
Doctor Stomper turned to the other LNHers in the control room. "Here we go."
Bad-Timing Boy and Good-Timing Girl clasped each others hands and
concentrated, trying to will their powers into existence.
The LNHers in the control room could only gape at the results. Lightening
seemed to fizzle between the two bodies as they strained to unleash their
abilities... it lasted only moments however, as a cataclysmic boom knocked
them apart.
"Get them to medbay!" yelled Doctor Stomper.
***
"Well, the results are through." he announced, stepping up to the medbay
beds.
B-TB and G-TG were on adjoining beds, both exhausted after the exercise.
"And? Do I have my powers back?" asked Good-Timing Girl eagerly.
"Uh, well yes and no." replied Doctor Stomper. "Yes, you've managed to get
rid of B-TB's powers, but no your own haven't returned. My guess is that they
canceled each other out and without the facilitating influence of the
heartsword couldn't switch back."
"Bottom line?" asked B-TB wearily.
"You're normal, completely utterly and totally normal." replied Doctor
Stomper.
"Oh."
"But what about my teleportation powers?" asked Good-Timing Girl. Then
suddenly she vanished. Then returned. "Never mind. They're working again."
"Great, well, glad to have been of help..." said B-TB, "See ya."
"Hang on a moment. I still haven't gotten my powers back yet. I need your
help to do that! And you said you'd come back with me to find out how to
stop the disturbances!" yelped G-TG.
B-TB groaned and hid his head under the pillow. An argument broke out
amongst the people gathered until Ultimate Ninja stepped in, "Enough!"
Everyone quietened and turned to him. He looked at Good-Timing Girl,
"Are you willing to swear on your honour, _not_ to harm Bad-Timing Boy in
any way?"
"I so swear." said G-TG. The Ninja sighed, "Then, if B-TB so desires he may
return with you..."
"Yes!" said G-TG.
"As long as Cheesecake-Eater Lad goes too. I want him there as backup in
case something goes wrong." qualified Ultimate Ninja.
"Okay, sure. Bad-Timing Boy?"
B-TB got out of bed, "Okay, why not? I feel a bit guilty about all this
anyway. When shall we go?"
"Now?"
Before anyone else could say anything else, the trio disappeared. Ordinary
Lady and Doctor Stomper headed off to their own rooms and Ultimate Ninja
stared at the points where they had left. He turned to leave the room.
***
Bad-Timing Boy, Good-Timing Girl and Cheesecake-Eater Lad rematerialised in
a large cavernous area.
"I know this place! We're right in the centre of Valhal!" exclaimed G-TG.
"Fine, where are we going?" asked Cheesecake-Eater Lad.
"Nowhere!" said a voice.
Hundreds of Valhallie warriors stepped out of the shadows and pointed
various sharply pointed weapons at them...
"Uh oh."
***
to be continued.
Credits:
Bad-Timing Boy, Cheesecake-Eater Lad and Doctor Stomper are Public Domain.
Ultimate Ninja and Ordinary Lady are wReams.
Please note: As of now - Bad-Timing Boy and Cheesecake-Eater Lad are
officially reserved!
***
Culinary Disasters One
Ultimate Ninja left the medbay, pondering deeply the ramifications of
his actions in letting Good-Timing Girl return to her world with Bad-Timing
Boy and Cheesecake-Eater Lad. It could spell the end of an entire world, the
destruction of an entire race, the death of two of his Legionaires, the...
"Excuse me Ultimate Ninja, but have you seen Cheesecake-Eater Lad?"
enquired a voice.
The master of all things ninja paused in his thoughts and turned to
face his questioner,
"Browsing Boy," he acknowledged, "Yes I have. He has just departed on
a mission with Bad-Timing Boy and I don't know when he will be back."
"Er... I see. This could be a problem." said Browsing Boy.
Ultimate Ninja raised an eyebrow, apparently the results of his
decision would be more immediate than he thought.
And boy were they ever.
***
California Kid zoomed into the LNH cafeteria, the sun was shining,
the sky was blue, and the surf awaited him. He stepped up to the food area,
expecting the usual range of cheesecakes.
"Um, hey like, where's all the food?" he asked. The shelves were
bare. There wasn't a hint of cheesecake anywhere.
"Hi California Kid," said Doctor Stomper, "What's cooking?"
"Like nothing, looks like."
Doctor Stomper frowned and banged on the window/bench whatsit that
separated the kitchen from the caf. "Hey, we're hungry out here!" He
staggered back in shock as Mouse stuck her head through the window and
aggressively replied, "We're hungry in here too but do you hear _us_
complaining?"
"Mouse?!" the two heros exclaimed in surprise.
"Aren't you supposed to be doing an EEPetc crossover?" asked Doctor
Stomper.
Mouse looked panicked, "Sssh. That's why we're doing our turn of the
cooking now, so that we can get on to it next."
"_Turn_ of the cooking?" asked California Kid, looking a bit
worried. Mouse nodded, "Cheesecake-Eater Lad's off on a mission and Frat Boy
and Steak-And-Potatoes Man have left too. So List Lad and Roster wReam drew
up a roster for who does the cooking while they're away. And then _she_,"
Mouse jerked a thumb into the kitchen, "Volunteered us to go first."
"She?" asked CKid.
"The hills are alive..." trilled a voice, Writers Block Woman looked
over Mouse's shoulder, "Oh hallo! Breakfast will be ready shortly." She
wandered off, humming. Mouse looked over at the two heros, "Kill me...
please." she implored. There was a crash in the background, "Don't worry,
I'll get it!" floated to them. Mouse cursed and ducked into the kitchen.
Doctor Stomper and California Kid looked at each other, "Maybe we
could, like, call out for pizza?" suggested CKid.
"Hey guys, what's with the long faces?" asked Grammer Lad, entering
the room.
***
"What's this?"
"Porridge?"
"Are you sure?"
"Positive."
"It's just that I've never seen green porridge before." said
Mainstream Man.
"That's how we do it in Net.Zealand." replied Mouse sharply. "Next!"
"And I'm fairly sure that toast shouldn't be on fire."
"It's flambe! And I said next."
"And, well, there's this problem I have with lemon juice in my
cereal that..."
"Look," said Mouse, "Are you going to let the next person get some
food or do I have to get Comics Snob Boy to have a chat with you about
getting some Cerebus?"
"That won't be a problem," said Irony Man, "Since he sampled the
so-called 'crepe suzette' he's been too green to notice anything."
"Fine!" snarled Mouse, "He can match the porridge!"
"And what about these pancakes," said Nit-Pick Lad pointedly, holding
one up. The assembled LNHers watched as it oozed gently between his fingers.
"What exactly is in them?"
Mouse paused, "Uh... it's a secret recipe."
Nit-Pick Lad raised an eyebrow, "Really?"
"Well, okay, maybe not so secret," amended Mouse, "It's a variation
on the original recipe."
"The original recipe being a mixture of flour, milk, eggs and butter."
"Er, yes."
"And how is this a variation on it?" asked Nit-Pick Lad.
Mouse hesitated, she was occasionally fairly honest, and she didn't
want to lie... well, actually she did but everybody was watching and so...
"We added something." she said.
"What? Glue?" asked Late-Night Lad, watching as Nit-Pick Lad tried
to get his fingers apart.
"Um, say do you smell something burning?" asked Mouse.
"Yes, I think it's the toast." said Irony Man, regarding the pile of
ash.
"Back in a moment!" yelled Mouse, running into the kitchen.
***
Writers Block Woman stirred happily in the kitchen. Mouse ran in.
"Ah, my erstwhile sidekick, Subliminal Girl." she cried.
"That's your unhappy daughter, Mouse." corrected Mouse, "We have a
problem. The others are... complaining about the food."
"But why?" asked WBW, looking shocked.
"Um, could be something about how it's not very good." Mouse
suggested.
"I am doing the best with what we have!" declared Writers Block
Woman, "It's not my fault that we're a bit low on stores! I don't do the
grocery shopping around here!"
"They asked about the pancakes." said Mouse.
WBW paused, "Ah." She stirred thoughtfully, "Do you think they
suspect?"
Mouse shook her head, "They're getting awfully crotchety though."
"Mmmmm..." the two heroines regarded the pot.
"Maybe we _should_ call out." suggested Mouse.
"Mouse, that's cruel! Besides, they'll soon forget all their troubles
when they taste my piece de resistance!" WBW brandished a ladle.
Mouse sniffed at the air and gagged, "What died?"
"That," WBW informed her in an icy tone, "is the specialitie de
maison..."
Mouse paled, "No.. no... not that!"
Writers Block Woman nodded, "Yes! My Lady Macbeth special!"
***
The heros were still waiting when Mouse returned to the service area.
"Well _finally_." snarled Nit-Pick Lad, "Any luck saving the toast?"
Mouse glared at him but couldn't work up the enthusiasm to reply.
"What's wrong? You eat some of your cooking?" asked Doctor
Bad-Bedside-Manner.
"Here we go!" said Writers Block Woman, depositing a large cauldron
of bubbling stuff on the counter, "Enough for everyone." Everyone regarded
the pot without enthusiasm.
"Hurray," said Mainstream Man, "What is it?"
"Just the best darn food you'll ever taste in your whole entire
life." assured WBW.
"If it's so good, how come you're not eating any of it?" demanded
Mainstream Man.
"In my day," came a voice from the back of the line, "We heros
didn't fuss about what we ate. We went out having only drunk a cup of tea,
with no milk! Or sugar!"
"Or tea?" suggested another voice.
"You see?" said WBW, "Old-Comics Man is enthusiatic about eating it."
She spooned some into a bowl. "Here, try some." she urged.
The heros passed the bowl down till it reached Old-Comics Man, who
harrumphed, and then cautiously took a bite. Slowly a smile spread across
his face, "Mmmmmmm!" he said happily.
Only Nit-Pick Lad noticed Mouse counting quietly under her
breath... "4,3,2..."
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA................. " Old Comics Man sprinted for the door,
howling all the way. He didn't quite make it and collapsed on the floor. The
other LNHers watched in fascination as something seemed to be trying to get
out of his stomach. With a final-sounding *RIP* a strange lizard-like
creature burst through and tried to scuttle off...
"Quick! Stop it!" yelled Mouse, when noone responded she grabbed the
pancakes and hurled them at the creature. They hit it with a satisfying
splat and stuck it to the floor.
"Strange. That _always_ happens." said WBW thoughtfully.
"My god, what is _in_ those pancakes?" asked Irony Man.
"Flour and water." said Mouse automatically. Then cringed as
everyone looked at her.
"Flour and WATER?! That's not pancakes! That's GLUE!" screamed
Nit-Pick Lad.
"Well, there wasn't any eggs, butter or milk so we...
argh!"
Mouse sprinted away from Grammer Lad (who had eaten some of the
porridge) who was unhappy both about the food and the use of the word wasn't
where it should be weren't.
"I'd like to see you guys do better!" she screamed.
The END.
Writers Block Woman and Mouse will survive (after all, they didn't eat any of
the stuff) and will be back before you know it in WBW #18. For continuity
purposes this story takes place after Easily-Discovered Man #25 and before
WBW (&M) #18.
I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU GUYS DO BETTER:
In LNHCP #30 the MisAdventures of Bad-Timing Boy will continue... but while
that is happening I've got room for some backup stories. Cheesecake-Eater
Lad and the other cooks are away and someone's got to feed this horde. I'd
like lots of stories from other LNH authors in which their own characters
have to cook for the LNH. Send them to me and I'll publish them in the
second half of each LNHCP.
Jaelle (if we can have green kiwis from Net.Zealand we can damn well have
green porridge too!)
Credits:
Ultimate Ninja is wReams, probably used with permission. :-)
Writers Block Woman and Mouse are mine.
Everyone else should have been Public Domain.
